Spidey Friday Night Fights Hall of Fame: Who Wants Some?!

Hey hey hey, Crawl Spacers.  It’s Friday again, and that means it’s time for another Spidey Friday Night Fight.  Now that we’re through the madness of Maximum Carnage we can settle back and enjoy yet another Hall of Fame fight, and to do that we’re going all the way back to November, 1966 and Amazing Spider-Man Annual #3 entitled “… To Become An Avenger!” by Stan Lee and ‘Jazzy’ Johnny Romita!

So what makes this one a Hall of Fame fight?  It’s Spidey at the height of his ‘young turk’ days back when the slightest things could set him off.  He eventually grew out of that and became a more tempered, seasoned pro but when he first started out in the superhero biz he was all fists, webs and attitude.  The Avengers *and* the Hulk found that out in this particular annual.

What’s this, you say?  Berryman, this time you’ve lost your mind!  Spidey tackling both the Avengers *and* the Hulk – and winning?

Sure, you’ve seen Spidey kick the X-Men’s butts before (or as Spidey calls it, ‘Tuesday’) and you’ve seen him take out Firelord, the former Herald of Galactus imbued with the Power Cosmic.

You’ve seen him go toe to toe with the Fantastic Four , Juggernaut and any number of tough opponents.  But Earth’s Mightiest Heroes and the Strongest One There Is?

As Lili von Shtupp would say, “It’s twue, it’s twue!” So let’s jump in with both feet.

Our Story: The Avengers are looking to expand their roster and they settle on giving Spidey a shot.  They dispatch Thor to find and summon Spider-Man to a super special secret meeting at the Avengers HQ, where Earth’s Mightiest tell Spidey that all he has to do to become one of them is… wait for it… find the Hulk and bring him back to Avengers HQ.  Oh – is *that* all?

TONIGHT’S CARD

In the left corner…

Peter Benjamin Parker, aka ‘The Spider-Man’

Height & Weight: 5′10″ / 165 lbs.
Powers: Proportionate strength, speed and agility of a spider. Spider-Sense.  Webshooters.  Vulnerable to poor editing decisions.

And in the right corner…

Earth’s Mightiest Heroes – the Avengers

Height & Weight: Various
Powers: Weather Control.  Flight.
Growth and shrinking.  Repulsor Rays.
A super shield.  Super-durable armor.
Almost enough strength to knock out John Wayne.
Guy with a bow and some arrows.

ROUND ONE – DING!

The unfortunate mis-communications begin as soon as Spidey arrives to talk to the Avengers.  Now, 1960’s Marvel heroes – at least the guys – were all subject to lethal levels of testosterone and hubris.  More often than not, when 1960’s Marvel heroes ran into one another the general attitude of both was “I’m So-and-So and who the Hell are you?”

Heck, a lot of times I explain early Marvel by telling people that it was a lot like chicks fighting on Jerry Springer.

So right off the bat hackles are raised and fists are ready to fly.  When Spidey arrives he starts off with “Okay – so whose ass do I need to kick to get into your superclub?  Or do I have to Spider-slap all of you?  Cause I can do that.  Here – I’ll show you.”

Heck, Spidey’s so ready for a scrap he’s even shakin’ at the bottom of the left image there while Cap’s tryin’ to hold him back.  And he’s ready to hand out the whoopin’s for free!  Spidey’s message is clear: “I’ve got enough pain to hand out to all comers.  Who wants some?”

Hawkeye doesn’t help matters any and only makes a touchy situation worse, like trying to douse a fire with gasoline.  He’s every bit as hot-headed as Spidey is and appears to be ready to take Spidey up on his offer.  But Hawkeye also has the best moment in this fight:  “Yeah, that’s right Spidey.  It’s go time, champ.  Just… let me knock an arrow first, huh?  Wait – wait!  Not in the face–!!”

Spidey also pushed Iron Man out of the way like a little armored-plated girl.  I guess Civil War was just Stark payin’ Spidey back for Amazing Spider-Man Annual #3.  Either way, the first round ends with Giant Man… or wait, Goliath… putting a Grapple-Smack on our hero.

Big mistake, High Pockets.  And for God’s sake, Hank, pick a name and stick with it.

ROUND TWO – DING!

Giant Man’s pretty proud of himself after his sucker-punch, until Spidey cold-cocks him.

He manages that even while being restrained by Captain America, who has forgotten more about hand-to-hand fighting than Spidey’ll ever know.  And while Cap’s got him still for a sec – you know, where he might be able to get Spidey to calm his boundless rage and talk some sense into him – the Wasp comes in for a cheap shot of her own.

But nobody puts Spidey in a corner.  Not even the Sentinel of Liberty.  Cap gets beaten red, white & blue as Spidey breaks his hold and sends him crashing end over end into Giant Man… err, Goliath.  I actually get a big kick out of how rookie-ish Spidey makes Cap look here.

Anyhoo, before things can keep going Thor decides to put his Godfoot down and proclaim that this “folly” is ended.  And no one wants to disagree with Thor since he’s easily the most powerful being in the room.

Actually, let’s all be honest with ourselves for a minute.  We’re all Spidey fans here and so we’re always pulling for him.  But the only reason this entire fight when down the way it did was because Thor decided not to get involved.  Had Thor intervened all of this would’ve gotten nipped in the bud much sooner than it did.  Because it’s Thor and… well really that’s reason enough.

Yet even with that understood it still doesn’t stop Spidey giving Thor a lot of lip in this story – and not just once, either!

ROUND THREE – DING!

So once everyone settles down the Avengers lay it on the line for Spidey: “We like the cut of your jib, sort of.  So if you want the keys to our executive washroom then you… um… you have to… ummm… oh!  You have to go out and find the Hulk and bring him back here.”

Oh – is that all?

But always up for a party, our intrepid hero agrees and sets out from Avengers HQ to find the Hulk.  So where does Spidey go to find the Hulk?  Why, to the Gamma Ray Research Center in downtown New York City, of course!  Because it makes sense to have one of those in a city where millions of people are packed in like sardines.

Yeah – it’s a little out there.  As is the sign letting us know that there are ‘Gamma Ray Testing Devices’ being kept in large, unshielded wooden crates all over the ‘Research Center’ which the Hulk eventually smashes into.  You know what?  As ‘out there’ as that is it’s still a thousand times better than “Spidey gets defeated by Devil Bird, Brick and Fat Guy.”

Anyway, Spidey finds the Hulk and the two start going at it in a New York City alley.  After a lot of “Dear God, don’t let him hit me” dodging Spidey finally gets a couple of good hits in on ol’ Jade Jaws.  But during the fight the Hulk smashes into… err… Gamma Testing Devices in the crates and then gets bombarded with radiation.  Spidey yells out “Hulk!  Watch out!  You’re getting hit with radiation!” – apparently not realizing how radiation works and not understanding that it would be hitting Spidey, too.  Especially through all the unshielded wood all over the place.  Seriously, it’s like someone tried to turn an outdoor smokehouse into a weaponized uranium lab.

Well all that radiation briefly turns the Hulk back into Banner, so what does Spidey do?  That’s right – he knocks him right the hell out!  Well.. okay he doesn’t do that.  That’s a Wolverine thing to do.  But he does listen to Banner’s sob story about being the Hulk and that affects him.  Unfortunately Banner doesn’t stay Banner for long.

ROUND FOUR – DING!

Banner goes green again and comes gunnin’ for Spidey.  So *now* what does Spidey do?  That’s right – he knocks him the hell out!  No – for real this time.  Spidey hammertimes the Strongest One There Is with one mighty right cross and it’s “Down goes Banner!  Down goes Banner!”

Spidey actually surprises himself here by how hard he hits the Hulk.  And I’d dare say the Hulk’s just as surprised.  Heck, when Spidey hit Superman in the 70’s it even surprised Kal-El.  But this is the same Spider-strength that has defeated so many foes through the years and so it doesn’t surprise us Spider-Fans.

But Spidey is a realist, and knows that he’s gotten lucky and that he’d better work something up and work it up quick.  He hits the Hulk with extra-helpings of web fluid to try to keep him bound up long enough for Spidey to get him back to Avengers HQ.

Maybe this kind of thing works on Ben Grimm but on the Hulk?  It doesn’t look good, True Believers.  Especially since Spidey starts having a change of heart because of his talk with Banner from moments before.

ROUND FIVE – DING!

Our hero starts to free the Hulk from his own webbing, then realizes the Hulk’s doing the same and doing it much more efficiently than Spidey since he’s, well, the Strongest One There Is.

After a quick “Get out of my way, punk” shove, the Hulk’s back to walking off sadly again. Awww.  Poor Hulk.  So powerful.  So misunderstood.

Anyway, Spidey realizes that he could keep taunting the Hulk to lead him back to Avengers HQ – thereby fulfilling the conditions of his Avengers membership test.  He figures the Hulk deserves better than to get pounded on by the Avengers yet another time, especially after Spidey’s already been pounding on him.  I think this is why Spidey empathizes with the Hulk – they both feel like the world’s against ’em.

Spidey lets the Hulk head out and then returns to Avengers HQ to tell Earth’s Mightiest “Oops!  Sorry, but I couldn’t even find the guy.  Guess I’m not an Avenger?  Oh well – too bad, so sad.  Smell ya later, ‘Vengers!”

And like that he’s off, with the Avengers breathlessly telling him to stop.  Because, you see, they wanted Spidey to bring the Hulk back so they could *help* the Hulk.  In 1960’s Marvel parlance ‘help’ means beat the Hell out of him for a little bit.

So Spidey saves the Hulk from another beating, preserves some dignity for himself and the Hulk and the Avengers hit the streets of New York to rough up some old people.

And now, we turn our eyes to the judges to get tonight’s decision.

DECISION – SPIDER-MAN

Pretty much!  There’s no other way to see this one.  He gives it to the Avengers, he gives it to Hulk – and in the end he does the right thing.  All in all it’s a great win for Spidey.

Now let’s check back in at the Spidey Friday Night Fights Studio, as we always do, with commentators and fight analysts Ben Grimm and Shang Chi.  Ben, Marvel was a pretty rough place back in the 60’s – and that’s just talkin’ about the heroes, let alone the villains.  Your take?

“Yeah Berryman we wuz all a lil’ bit hard headed n’ temper-mental back then.  Hey, it wuz a turbulent time for th’ country.  So ya can’t blame us fer goin’ off all half-cocked sometimes.  It wuz what it wuz.

Actually I gotta take some blame fer it, if I’m bein’ completely honest n’ all.  Ya see when th’ Fantastic Four came along we wuz an overnight sensation.  An’ all of us were wound tighter than a Swiss watch up a turtle’s water-proof butt.

Back then th’ littlest disagreement would lead ta property damage.  Reed’d say somethin’, I’d get mad.  I’d say somethin’, Johnny’d get mad.  Johnny’d say somethin’ and Sue’d get mad.  An’ by mad I mean we’d start up breakin’ stuff – and each other!

It wuz a vicious cycle.  But it also made us popular.  It wuz what th’ fans wanted ta see.  They didn’ wanna see everyone get along an’ then go grill hotdogs and drink lemonade after savin’ th’ world.  They could get that over in DC.  But seein’ us fight amongst ourselves, well… that put us up in the bigtime.

So, because of that, pretty much all the 1960’s Marvel heroes were hot-headed an’ quick ta fight each other.  Spidey wuz like that at times, the Avengers were like that all th’ time…

Hell, ya couldn’t even pass Daredevil on th’ street without him givin’ ya a double-take like “Are ya lookin’ at me? Do you wanna go?  Do you wanna go right now?”  And heck, he’s blind, ya know?

Shang, you didn’t come along until th’ 70’s and it had calmed down a lot by then.  Care to elaborate?”

“No, Shang Chi does not care to elaborate.  Because Shang Chi doesn’t see how this is a Win for Spider-Man, at all.

Doing the right thing meant that Spider-Man didn’t become a member of the Avengers.  Becoming an Avenger is much more important than being in the X-Men, or the Defenders, or other teams except maybe the Fantastic Four.  Why?  Because of the paycheck!

Son!  Do you know how much bling Shang Chi could buy for himself and his special lady friends?  Fast cars with nice whitewalls, and rings on every finger.  “Oh, Sweet Daddy Shang!” the ladies would coo, “Can we have steak and lobster tonight?  And can we go there in your fly car and then find a place to be tender after?”  Well yes we could, ladies, if Shang Chi were an Avenger with a fat paycheck.  Unfortunately Shang Chi isn’t, so he hopes you like mopeds and burritos.

And before anyone says “But Shang Chi, what about honor?  What about doing what’s right?”  Hey, there’s a place for that.  But honor and doing what’s right don’t pay the bills, dig?  Unless you’re an Avenger – and then it pays like a loose slot in Vegas.

Now watch.  We will be beaten over the head yet again when Spider-Man cannot pay his electric bills, or when his aunt’s Thorazine prescriptions run out, or is his Spideymobile breaks an axle.  And he will sit on a wall and go all emo, saying “Oh how sad it is to be me!  I cannot pay my bills and I must fight crime because I blame myself for my uncle’s death.  It sucks to be me!”

Well maybe it does but Shang Chi will tell you what.  The next time the Avengers call and say “Hey, would you like to be fly like one of us and get a big check each week? All you have to do is bring us the Hulk!” then give them Shang Chi’s number.  Because Shang Chi won’t wuss out at the end, and he knows pressure points that would make the Hulk go cross-eyed and out of breath.

I’m so mad I don’t even want to play Mafia II right now!”

Well you can’t please all the people all the time, I guess.  Shang Chi may need some Ginseng Tea and a nice nap.  Alright, time now to check in with the Teaser Line to find out about next week.

NEXT WEEK: Spidey and someone else fight!

Meaning we don’t know what we’re going to do yet, right?

NEXT WEEK: Right!

For Ben Grim, Sweet Daddy Shang Chi and everyone here at Spidey Friday Night Fights we say thanks for watchin’ and have a Webtastic weekend, Crawl Spacers!

–George Berryman