Spidey Friday Night Fights: Maximum Carnage Part Three

Welcome back!  So far we’ve covered Maximum Carnage in Part One and Part Two and since Part Three of our Maximum Carnage coverage is short (only four rounds) we’re going to cut out all the preliminaries we normally have and just jump right into it, starting with Round Eleven.

ROUND ELEVEN – DING!

Next we head to Amazing Spider-Man #380 (‘Soldiers of Hope’) by Dave Michelinie & Mark Bagley.  As Morbius and Spawn… err, Nightwatch… launch their own surprise attack  on the Carnage Family up in the Statue of Liberty’s torch, Team Spidey (now with Captain America calling the shots) races off into the night to find ’em.

And here’s where the writing starts to smell like milk that hasn’t just gone bad but rather milk that’s turned evil and is plotting to kill every form of life on the planet  that isn’t like itself.  Team Spidey’s dialogue starts to sound like Zig Ziglar or Tony Robbins writing an affirmation chant for a seminar.  And Team Spidey finally grabs a  much needed victory when Cap, Firestar, Deathlok, Iron Fist and Spidey team up to defeat… Shriek, all by herself.  Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  Cap actually takes her  out with his shield and by showing the rampaging New Yorkers that they are fighting for them, Team Spidey gives them… ‘hope.’  Next stop… Cheeseville, Population: Us.

Meanwhile, back at Lady Liberty, Morbius and Spawn… err, Nightwatch… are busy getting the crap kicked out of them by Carrion, Demogoblin and the Spider-Doppleganger.   Seriously, Carnage never jumped in.  He just crawled all over the captive Venom like he was some kind of man-tower.  Either way, Spawn… err, Nightwatch… and Morbius  flee into the night to help Morbius escape the impending sunrise.  Carnage sends his “kids” (God how creepy is that?) out to find their “Mama,” Shriek.

And find her they do!  While Carnage stays behind for special alone time with Eddie the rest of the Carnage Family Murderers manage to free Shriek from Team Spidey.  And,  to Shriek’s horror, now that Team Spidey has shown New York the error of their ways the rampaging throngs turn on her and the rest of the Carnage Family.  And Team Spidey  winds up going head to head against them, until Shriek kicks her bad vibes power into overdrive to overpower the ‘hope’ that Team Spidey has brought to the people in the  streets.  And suddenly New York’s turned against Team Spidey once more.  Jeez, these people flip allegiances faster than Jack Sparrow.

So wither Cloak and Black Cat?  They’re both at their homes, pondering if they are doing the right thing by staying out of the fight.  I half expected them to launch into a  cartoon movie duet like Fivel & Tanya Mousekewitz in ‘An American Tail.’

ROUND TWELVE – DING!

And thus we head to face the perils of Spider-Man #37 (‘The Light’) where J.M. DeMatteis & Tom Lyle leap back into the creative fray.  And here’s one of my all time  favorite Maximum Carnage moments – a chained up Venom begging like a sad joke for Carnage to stop hurting him.  Yes, the same one-track minded Venom who, earlier in this  epic train wreck, actually yelled out the words “Carnage Brains!” as a battle cry.

Unfortunately it’s short-lived, as we suddenly realize that Eddie is actually using strategy and has a plan.  He manages to pull his Brer Fox “PLEASE don’t throw me into  that briar patch!” routine on long enough that Carnage finally decides to shoot him with the same anti-symbiote gun that Team Spidey used earlier against Carnage.  But  what’s this?  Venom hid a piece of the symbiote in the… err… anti-symbiote gun… as a back-up emergency plan.  Yes, it’s contrived.  Yes, it’s silly.  Yes, it’s making  Venom out to be smarter than he actually is.  Regardless, this re-powers Venom and lets him escape from Carnage and the Statue of Liberty after a quick fight.

Ugh.

The Carnage Family watches from a rooftop as New York tries to tear Team Spidey limb from limb.  While Firestar uses flame to keep some of the crowd at bay, Iron Fist  actually tries to defeat them with… silence.  Yeah.  Anywya, the mood’s grim and Spidey’s losing it.  He’s giving into the hopelessness, while across town Cloak’s trying  to figure out why he’s going koo-koo for Cocoa Puffs inside Holy Ghost Church.  Spidey somehow ‘figures everything out’ while Cloak does the same where he is, suddenly  facing a bright white glow.  Right, do the math on that on.

After losing Venom Carnage finds his ‘family’ and decides to punish Shriek for causing so much mayhem without him.  The Spider-Doppleganger objects to such rough treatment  of ‘mom’ and intervenes, leading Carnage to skewer him like so much uncooked lamb cubes waiting to be seared until juicy and succulent.  And with the Spider-Doppleganger’s  final death we all sigh relief over one of the longer Infinity Wars hold-outs biting the dust.

The Carnage Family is refocused, and Team Spidey’s mounting a charge.  It’s like Superman vs. Doomsday’s final punch but with worse writing and a “not nearly as important”  feel.  But before they can come to blows Cloak *and* Dagger make the scene – causing Shriek to look on in disbelief since up until now she’d believed she’d killed Tandy  Bowen early on in the event.

ROUND THIRTEEN – DING!

We now turn to Spectacular Spider-Man #203 (‘War of the Heart!’) by DeMatteis and Sal Buscema.  Dagger gets some payback on Shriek, who ultimately resists her light powers.   Spidey sweeps in to save the day though so we don’t have to worry about her dying again.  But unfortunately the Carnage Family is falling apart.  Carrion’s worried about  his “mother,” who then freaks out on him yelling that he’s not her son – though Carnage is still keeping the “Daddy” role going.  And the heart of this mega-story this was  always the creepiest element… murderers and psycopaths refering to themselves in ‘family’ terms.  Just… freakin’ ewww!

The Carnage Family regroups, or as much as they can anyway, and they find Spidey ready to face them alone in the streets.  But how can this be?  Where did the rest of Team  Spidey go?  Anyway, Spidey actually takes Carnage, Shriek, Carrion and Demogoblin on for several panels – alone.  He can do this because, you know, he’s freaking Spider- Man.  But just when it looks like Carnage has Spidey on the ropes, and Shriek starts pumping her bad mojo vibes into him, a pink blast comes out of nowhere.

What’s this?!  Why it’s Team Spidey!  With Deathlok strapped into some massive gizmo that the narration tells us was hastily constructed at the last minute by the Rand  Corporation (that’s Iron Fist’s company).  It’s called the Alpha Magni-Illuminator, but Spidey (who came up with the idea) calls it “a good time.”  Yes, folks… in the  time it took for Spidey to face the Carnage Family alone the rest of Team Spidey made it out to a Rand Corporation lab where scientists built this machine for them to use.

God. Almighty.  Damn.  Suspension of disbelief?  Dude you’d have to believe in FAIRIES for this to make sense.

So one by one Deathlok, now the Endorphinator, takes out the Carnage Family with – I kid you not – their Positive Feelings Ray.  It is one of the lamest event finishes in  Marvel history – even lamer than the dead end of Siege with the Superhuman Registration Act being “thrown out” and Iron Man getting everyone together to party, despite all  the crap that’s happened since Civil War.  Maximum Carnage beats that inaneness by a mile.

Fortunately though there will be at least a partial redemption.  I say ‘partial’ because nothing can overcome the awfulness of the Positive Feelings Ray.  Ever.  Spider- Fans deserved one last massive brawl between these two big teams.  They were robbed.  But!  We find out Carnage had pulled a getaway and Venom was still out there, now mad  at Spider-Man for taking out Carnage alone.

And the three converge in Central Park.

ROUND FOURTEEN – DING!

We’re back to the title that kicked this story off – Spider-Man Unlimited #2 by Tom DeFalco, Mark Bagley (Part One) and Ron Lim (Part Two).  The ending is really two big  fights spread out by character moments.  It actually works pretty well.  Spidey, Venom and Carnage fight in Central Park until Venom actually manages to hurt Carnage,  forcing him to flee.

But then Venom gets a cheap shot in on Spidey (who’s already hurt) and hurts him even more before taking off to find Carnage.  Peter decided to cool his jets a bit and rest  some before trying to go after either of them.  He manages to tell his robo dad that he was wrong about people, life, whatever and also gets a few moments of snuggle time  in with Mary Jane, which does much to re-energize him.

Meanwhile, Morbius and Spawn… err, Nightwatch… lament society in general and then go their seperate ways.  Thankfully we wouldn’t see much more of Nightwatch after  this.
Venom and Carnage finally find one another again at Ryker’s Island Prison, where Venom actually saves a guard’s life.  This allows the guard and Venom to exchange a  reaffirming “Hey, Venom’s a good guy now and only eats the brains of the bad!” moment.  Ugh.  Anyway, the fight continues as Venom chases Carnage off into the night and the  two wind up fighting again in the now-abandoned orphange that Cletus Kassady grew up in.  Spidey swoops in to stop Venom from killing Carnage and this, unfortunately, gives  Carnage time to escape.

Spidey and Venom finally track Carnage down to the same cemetary where both Norman and Harry Osborn are buried for the last throw-down.  Venom wails on Carnage, Carnage  wails on Venom, Spidey tries to stop them from killing one another.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  Eventually Carnage makes an attack on Spidey but he’s stopped by the Black Cat,  whose conscience finally gets the better of her and forces her back into the fray to help her friend out.  She manages to stop Carnage from hitting Spidey and Carnage’s  answer is to try to kill them by throwing a casket at them.  Whose casket?  Why, his own mother’s, apparently.

The fight keeps going until Venom tackles Carnage into some electrical generators.  One massive explosion later, Carnage is KO’d and Venom’s escaping in the back of a  truck, leaving Spidey and the Black Cat to pick up the pieces.

And that’s when the Avengers show up with a stasis container for Carnage.  Oh for the love of…

Alright!  What say our judges?

DECISION: TEAM SPIDEY

Technically, in the end, yes.  Team Spidey does pull off a win in the last battle with the “mood gun” and the last fight in the graveyard.  Who loses?  Anyone who followed  through fourteen chapters to see the bad guys defeated by the “mood gun.”  Argh.

Alright, as we do each week we turn now to the Spidey Friday Night Fights studio where Ben Grimm and Shang Chi stand by for analysis and commentary.  But my question to the  two of you tonight is… how could this story have been better?  Ben?

“Well Berryman I ain’t no writer or nothin’ but I’ll give it a poke.

First off!  This needed to be six issues long – maybe eight at the most.  It needed to be kept fairly street level as a Spider-Man story and that means no Deathlok, no  Firestar and no flippin’ Captain America.  And it didn’t need any damn Spawn knock-off.  Sweet Aunt Petunia that Nightwatch guy was so blatant n’ awful!  Am I right?

Iron Fist?  He’s so street level it hurts.  But usin’ his company to come up with the mood ray thing?  Ugh.  Just on that alone Iron Fist shoulda been replaced by either  Luke Cage or Shang Chi.  Or Hell, even better?  Daredevil.  Or maybe Black Widow, who could show up and explain why the Avengers are nowhere to be seen.  Or hey, even the  Molten Man, who even had a fight in this at one point.

Cloak & Dagger?  Good kids and they’re right at that street level that this story needed.  They’re down in th’ trenches with the thugs, the ho’s and the junkies – they know  th’ score.  They absolutely needed to be in a story like this.  Morbius?  Well okay he’s a vampire but that also means the whole ‘sun’ limitation.  So he’s fine for this  story.  And so’s the Black Cat.  Again, this kinda thing’s right up her alley.

Th’ villain side wuz perfect.  The right number o’ creeps, the right power levels.  Ya got yer heavy hitter with Carnage, your back-up muscle with the Doppleganger, yer  sneaky “get behind ’em” guy like Carrion and yer two ranged specialists, Shriek an’ Demogoblin.  So ya didn’t need much alteration there.  I mean this team’s a psycopath  kinda song, ya know?  But we’re talkin’ far beyond a crazy Doc Ock or Green Goblin.  These folks are crazy kinda crazy.  Doc Ock looks like Sigmund Freud next ta freakin’  Carnage, know what I mean?  An’ for that reason a lot of others from Spidey’s villain stable just wouldn’t o’ worked.

Or am I wrong with any of this, Shang?”

“Oh Shang Chi has been tearing his short hairs out over this!

Shang Chi would have totally owned in this kind of fight, and he definitely would’ve suggested “beating the crap out of them real hard” over “let’s go to rich boy’s playhouse and have his science goons make us a love gun.”  Are you even kidding Shang Chi right now?!

And don’t give Shang Chi the tired excuses.  “Well Shang Chi!  People had forgotten you through the 1980’s and 90’s!”  So what?  Do you know the horrors Shang Chi had to endure, watching from the sidelines as crappy heroes – and villains – got an unending number of limited series, one shots, chromium covers, foil embossed super duper cocaine covers… it was like a waterfall made of blood and fail!  Seriously, Nomad had a series in the 90’s and not Shang Chi?  Nomad?  COME ON!

Something like this would’ve been perfect to relaunch Shang Chi into the Marvel Universe.  Hell, they could’ve thrown Shang Chi in with SHIELD!  Shang Chi could’ve gone undercover, ready to destroy HYDRA from within!  But no!  What did Shang Chi get?  A graphic novel.  One graphic novel.  And the life of a fisherman.

AAAGH!  There could have been ‘Shang Chi and his Honor Bunch’ or ‘Shang Chi, Time Warrior’ or ‘Shang Chi’s Shao Lin Squad.’

But no.  Instead we got ‘Nomad.’  This crappy Spawn rip-off Nightwatch?  Right, he got his own title.  Deathlok, Darkhawk, Sleepwalker… Sleepwalker, is anyone even for real with that?  By all things holy, by Fin Fang Foom’s scaly sack, Shang Chi got hosed in the 90’s.  Straight up hosed.

Shang Chi needs his special tea now, and to take a nap.”

Thanks, fellas.  Okay, teaser line!  Got a clue for us for next week?

NEXT WEEK: … Yeah I got nothin’ right now.  Screw it – Hall of Fame fight… sound good?

Aaand how!  For Ben Grimm, Shang Chi and me, George Berryman, have a great week Crawl Spacers!  We’ll see ya’ll back next Friday.  And remember to stop by the Crawl Space Fight Club forum to check out all the Marvel and DC Fight Club action!

–George Berryman