Happy holidays, friends, and I am here (against my will) to wish you some mighty Marvel merriment in a manner not seen since Mary and the manger! That’s right folks, since you have all been naughty this year, Santa’s out of coal and gave us this bit of wonder instead! It’s got everything thing you need for a great Spider-Man story: Carlie Cooper, X-Men, and more clones than you can shake a stick at! Plus, the return of a beloved character long in absence. All this and, more Spider-Man than we’ve ever had (since ASM 14).
Credit Where Credit Is Due
Story Title: All the Real Boys and Girls (no really, they actually have a title, though they put it in quotation marks which they shouldn’t have since titles aren’t punctuated on their own works – sorry, English teacher…)
Writer: Zeb Wells
Artist: Adam Kubert
Colorist: Frank Martin
Letterer: VC’s Joe Caramanga
Cover Artists: Adam Kubert and Alejandro Sanchez
Asst. Editor: Kaeden McGahey
Editor: Albert Banaszak (Don’t get your hopes up – Lowe’s not going anywhere)
Disclaimer
I am currently at home with Covid. I sent out a plea for someone, anyone, to take my review this week, They scorned my misery. BD just posted a picture of him holding the lien on my house (how is that even legally possible). So, despite that this is not technically an “Amazing” book (that was the rationale for why I had to do Amazing Grace (and no, I am not dropping that chicken)), and despite that I did the last FOUR reviews (the fact that they were all in a single issue matter not to me), I will add misery to my misery and review this book.
Remedial Dark Web 101
Imagine Zeb Wells sitting around thinking up storylines… (dreamy music transition) … “I like Ben Riley. Ben’s a clone. Hey, Madelyne Pryor’s a clone! They should get together! Plus, she’s got ‘Goblin’ in her name! The story practically writes itself! Score!” If you can do that, then you really have all you need to know about what is about to come.
The Story – Pay Attention, This Will Be on the Test
We open with Ben having a nightmare about Peter taking all of his face, hair, and brains away from him while mercilessly mocking him for being a clone. Peter and MJ are at a party for Harry’s birthday, but it’s a doubly posthumous one since Harry really did die in that fire long ago and the other Harry that has a kid named Stanley and sometimes forgets about the kid named Normie was just a clone, but since no one really knows it, they are mourning the departure of the clone Harry. Anyway, Peter and MJ lower their metaphorical swords for a moment of peace. Norman even stops by and talks with Peter (though he doesn’t go in). Meanwhile, down in Limbo (or rather, sideways through reality), Pryor reveals that she needs Chasm and Hallow’s Eve (not to be confused with Hallow’s Evan, a friend of the Crawlspace) to go and kick some X-Men butt in Krakoa. She also reveals that they have a new ally – Venom! It seems that he is in need to finding his son (or getting his son back from being kidnapped (or something)).
Now if you are thinking to yourself, what would make this comic even greater is adding some X-Men crap to it, then you’re in luck! We switch to the X-Men in New York doing a little Christmas shopping all while judging those inferior Homo Sapiens around them. Then a Christmas decoration shouts “TEXTUS TENEBRARUM!” that apparently only on X-Man can hear. Down in Limbo (or rather sideways… you know what I mean, Goblin Queen is playing an organ that is sending out TEXTUS TENEBRARUM all over the place. For those of you who are Latin-deficient, it means “Dark Web”. This makes everything in New York (or at least one part of New York) to turn into demons much like the old Inferno crossover spectacular from the ’90s. While the X-Men and Spider-Man are busy fighting demons (well, just the X-Men, really – Spider-Man is just lurking on a rooftop watching it), Ben goes to confront Norman as Norman’s evil sticks out in what is left of Ben’s memories. In the fastest costume change in comic book history, Norman dons the Golden Glider costume, but Ben was ready and had posed as Peter before to rig it to explode. We end with Goblin Queen realizing that they may have tampered with Eddie Brock a bit too much because now he won’t go along with their plans and only wants to eat Spider-Man’s brains.
Analysis
The birthday party – this serves to catch X-Men fans up on what has been happening in Spider-Man. The party dynamic is fun because they’ve used this in past Spider-Man comics. I love that people like JJJ are not only invited to these things, but they come also! We do get an interesting tid-bit: Carlie knows MJ’s story and we know that Paul is NOT married to MJ, just a boyfriend. We also know that no time-travel was used here to retcon MJ’s kids into her life as Emily Osborn is shocked to here that she has kids now.
Yes, folks! You’ve been dying to have her triumphant return! Here she is in all her glory! I am ashamed to say that I, at first missed her appearance until Crawlspace fact-checker supreme, Mohammed, pointed it out to me. Ah the chagrin.
What happened to Norman’s eyes?
I bet Norman didn’t see this coming. I will say that it was a cool move that have Ben say he posed as Peter to get in and mess up Norman’s suit.
Final Grade
Guys, my real grade for this is a flat out D-. There is nothing about this that I want to read more of. I preferred Covid over this stinking pile of joy. The big saving grace for this is that I only paid $.99 for it since I had some digital credit from Amazon for agreeing to delayed shipping on some Christmas gifts (yes! Digital credits can be applied to Comixology!). However, just to mess with those who made me write this, I’m putting this grade up in big letters as the OFFICIAL CRAWLSPACE GRADE FOR DARK WEB #1:
A+
I believe I just created revenge grading.
EXTRA CREDIT
Guys, It’s Christmas and I can’t leave you with George Berryman’s nightmare to end my reviews with, so wait a few more days and check out the first Cobwebs in about a year – my breakdown of Marvel Team-Up #1, and find out a Cobwebs exclusive!
Plus, the Crawlspace is out of Facebook jail! Well, sort of. The original Crawlspace FB page is forever lost, but we at least cloned ourselves and are acting as the original. Check us out: https://www.facebook.com/officialcrawlspace
Ugh. I’m exhausted. I’m going to bed now.
Here’s hoping for a crossover battle between Hallows Eve and All Hallows Eve!
‘Nuff Said!
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Hey guys! Check out the newest Cobwebs! Leave me a Merry Christmas in the comments over there!
@Jack – May just have to take you up on that sometime in the near future! Thanks!
@John – That sounds absolutely horrid! Thanks for sparing me the pain! I owe you one! And no need to apologize for the duplicates – that happens to all us from time to time!
Apologies for the duplicate comment. After repeatedly refreshing the first wouldn’t appear until after I’d sent the second.
@Dark Mark Basically it’s Dan Slott with Mark Bagley doing an ongoing and they’ve started off with yet ANOTHER Spider-Verse event that everybody’s tired of at this point. While I’m thankful they didn’t bring the rest of the inheritors back, Morlun has definitely fallen a lot since his debut. As you might expect with Spider-Verse new Spider variants are introduced in the Edge of Spider-Verse side comic (and they’re lame) and big characters are ‘killed’ to increase tension – but the twist in the latest issue is so weak that it kills all the stakes that would have been left. Essentially, you haven’t missed out on much.
@Dark Mark
Basically it’s Dan Slott with Mark Bagley doing an ongoing and they’ve started off with yet ANOTHER Spider-Verse event that everybody’s tired of at this point. While I’m thankful they didn’t bring the rest of the inheritors back, Morlun has definitely fallen a lot since his debut. As you might expect with Spider-Verse new Spider variants are introduced in the Edge of Spider-Verse side comic (and they’re lame) and big characters are ‘killed’ to increase tension – but the twist in the latest issue is so weak that it kills all the stakes that would have been left.
Essentially, you haven’t missed out on much.
@Jack Brooks — You, sir, are a super hero!
Mark:
If you’re ever sick again and really can’t find anybody, I’ll volunteer. I could send a draft to you, then you and/or the CS Commanders (Brad & All) approve it or not. I would just need time to drive down to my Nearby Major American City to buy a copy. I used to be a HS humanities teacher, and before that a study-guide assistant-writer. revjab@gmail.com
@Chi-Town and @John
Chi-Town – I don’t regret anything other than including my real grade in there. 🙂
John – I’m going to be honest here – I didn’t even know there was a Slott book going on until this week. I’m a bit out of it. I have absolutely no plans on buying it and I am not sure I’ll even read it when it pops up on my Marvel Unlimited. It sounds like you have read it, though. Want to give me the gist of it?
By the way how are you guys finding the Dan Slott Spider-Man series (wouldn’t be shocked if you hadn’t read it). Don’t blame you for not doing reviews because of how boring it is
Oh man, Ben has to get Peter to eat soul stealing fruit. That’s. The. Plan. I can’t wait for this run to be over with. Glad you are feeling better Mark! I have to agree with you on your FIRST grade, D-. Yes, I did see your BS on the second grade, but I just ignored it. You were sick and out of it and probably regretted it once you woke up the next day. Like I said, I can’t wait for this to be over. Take a break and rest now, I’ll take on the next one. Speaking of which, this is how the layout is planned out if anyone is curious.
Dark Web #1 – Mark
Amazing Spider-Man #15 – Chi-Town
Mary Jane & Black Cat #1 – Mark
Amazing Spider-Man #16 – Chi-Town
Amazing Spider-Man #17 – Mark
Mary Jane & Black Cat #2 – Chi-Town
Amazing Spider-Man #18 – Mark
Dark Web Finale #1 – Chi-Town
Amazing Spider-Man #19 – Mark
Mary Jane & Black Cat #3 – Chi-Town
Amazing Spider-Man #20 – Mark
Mark and I agreed that we’ll just cover the ASM reviews and first and finale DW book. I’m throwing MJ/BC in there because it Jed MacKay and it’s Mary Jane and Black Cat! Nuff said. I’m even letting Mark take that first issue! He should be grateful. That’s just the WRITTEN reviews for ASM, DW, MJ/BC. I’m sure Ryan and the rest of the review staff will fill you in on those other books. You could also check out our Discord! We’re just taken this one exception because the DW leads into the mystery box/answers that we’ve been waiting to hear in ASM.
No Dark Web for me – just ASM. We’ll see how that goes.
NO! No skipping the crossover! I have to read and by golly, we are all in this together! My bet is that if you are only reading ASM, you’ll be able to follow it for the most part. I’m figuring the Ms. Marvel will focus on her just fighting demons in the street without knowing what is going on a la Inferno. Venom follows Venom’s storyline which seems to be oddly just patched into here. The X-Men tie-in will take care of X-Men-centric stories. So, if you only read Dark Web and ASM, my theory is that you get the main story.
@hornacek
The plot weave in and out of ASM and into dark web. Basically
ASM 14
Dark web 1
ASM 15-18
Dark web finale
ASM 19
Probably next issue of venom will be significant too.
Honestly, I’m pretty sure that nothing of significance will come of it. If you want to skip the crossover I think youll be fine.
@Mark – I’m not buying any of those tie-ins, or the Dark Web series at all. So will the ASM issues still be on their own, or will an ASM issue end, the story will be continued in Dark Web # whatever, and then when I start the next ASM issue it will continue on from that DW issue and I’ll be missing a bunch of story?
@Sthenurus, @Aqu@, @Hornacek
Sthenurus – SIX? Geez! That’s got to be a record, right? Someone needs to make a chart of all of Venom evil future selves!
Aqu@ – Ah, good old Dog Latin. I’m quite fluent in Pig Latin. Took it in college. 🙂 That does check out – I looked up the phrase and go no hits except references to this issue, so then I looked up each word and made my own translation, so that’s probably how Zeb made it. Thanks for the spell check. I went back and fixed it up.
Hornacek – Have I got good news for you! It’s ALL DARK WEB from here on out! It is also getting SO MANY TIE-INS! So here are all the issues, in order, that you can get to complete your Dark Web reading experience from this point out:
ASM #15
Dark Web: X-Men #1
Dark Web: Ms. Marvel #1
Mary Jane & Black Cat #1
Gold Goblin #2 (apparently there was a #1 already??)
ASM #16
Dark Web: X-Men #2
Venom #14
Gold Goblin #3
ASM #17
Dark Web: Ms. Marvel #2
Mary Jane & Black Cat #2
Dark Web: X-Men #3
Venom #15
ASM #18
Venom #16
Dark Web Finale #1 (release date Feb. 1)
Are we covering all of them here on the Crawlspace? I’m not. I’m sure some sorry soul will be sucked into it. Chi-Town made up our review order (how HE got that position of power, I’ll never know) and we are just doing the Dark Web #1 and Finale #1, the ASMs, and, of course, the Mary Jane and Black Cat issues.
Some of the others who keep up with the previews would probably have more information, I tend to take them as they come, but for you, I looked up ASM #19 and it appears that Spidey and Black Cat are together and Zeb Wells is out. Joe Kelly is writing that issue. So this may be it for Zebby.
So is this series interconnected with ASM? I don’t plan to read this so will the next ASM issue continue from the end of DW #1?
Mark, I hope you get well soon.
BTW, Textus Tenebrarum (you missed an r) is more probably Dog Latin:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dog_Latin
@Mark
Venom has 6 future evil selves.
@Sthenurus, @Hallows Evan, and @Michael
Sthenurus – Man, I’m glad you are liking it better than me. I sincerely hope that its only Hallows Evan and me that hate it. The part that intrigued me most was the part that made you roll your eyes! 🙂 Maybe I’ll come around to it. And this might just be the Covid talking, but for you, I’ll try to give the next issue a chance. I gotta say that I was not at all into ASM #14 and that really soured me going into this one.
Evan – I did that background dive a bit earlier and it just confused me even more! I rarely like mutant stories and very much don’t want it mixed with my Spider-Man stories, I would love it if we had X-Men fans who came in and told me how awesome this is. I just made a promise to Sthenurus that I would try to like it and I don’t know if I am up to it! We did have a whole panel of Spider-Man in this issue, so there’s that.
Michael – I don’t know whether to be in awe of your knowledge of all things X-Men and Venom or if I need to be worried for your sanity. 🙂 So Eddie has not one, but TWO evil future selves? That’s got to stink for him! I do have an answer for your question about how Ben would have the knowledge to tamper with the Golden Glider. I researched a bit (because it is what I love to do) and the Mayo Clinic states that isolated memory loss does not affect a person’s intelligence or general knowledge. I am taking that to mean that he could still know the science and still have the science inclination that he always had even though his memories are all gone. Or we could go a comic book route and say that the memory-erasing machine was wielded with laser-accurate precision. That’s a good question about the demon invasion. My guess is that Pryor has bigger plans than what she shared with Ben. My guess is that Ben is just a means to an end for her and once he’s used up his usefulness, she will be done with him. I don’t know her, but gauging from the X-Men’s reaction to thinking she is behind this, I’m thinking that this might just be a valid assumption.
One more thing- what’s the point of the demon invasion if all Maddie and Ben need are Norman, Peter, Dylan and something from the X-Men’s headquarters?
@Mark- Sorry that you’re sick. Hope you feel better.
Re:Emily not knowing about the kids- I noticed that too. However, it’s possible that even if history hasn’t changed, MJ was transported a few years into the past and that’s how she had the kids.
Re:Venom- no, Venom’s son Dylan hasn’t been kidnapped. What happened was this- Eddie’s evil future self, Meridius, trapped Eddie in the future in the “Garden of Time” and sent Eddie’s OTHER evil future self, Bedlam, after Dylan. Eddie managed to escape from the Garden into Limbo but he had no way to get back to Earth from Limbo. So Maddie agreed to help Eddie in exchange for him helping her.
Ben’s nightmare of the start was a reference to Maddie’s nightmare in X-Men 233, right before she became the Goblin Queen.
I wonder what (or who) Maddie wants Janine and Eddie to steal from the X-Men’s headquarters. I originally thought it was Jean but it can’t be Jean, Scott or Alex, since they’re outside the X-Men’s headquarters when Maddie and Janine arrive in New York.
If Ben lost his pre-Amazing 149 memories, and the only post-Amazing 149 memories he retains are the traumatic ones, then how does he have the technological know-how to sabotage Normans’s equipment?
@Mark — First of all, I’m sorry that you’re sick. I hope that reading through this issue didn’t exacerbate your symptoms. I guess, on the plus side, if your sense of smell is compromised then whatever Chi-Town sends you from Poop Senders won’t affect you.
In anticipation of my confusion, I did some reading on Madelyne Prior in the Marvel Database, and that itself was confusing — but I gave it my sincerest, best effort. I’m glad we have some X-Men fans here at the Crawlspace to add their feedback. Maybe they’ll even enjoy it more than you and I do. To be honest though, when I read “…what would make this comic even greater is adding some X-Men crap to it,” my browser settings were such that the line ended “…adding some X-“, and in spite of my preparation, I was really hoping you were going to say “X-Mas.”
I’m sort of just sitting back and waiting for this event to end in the hopes that we’ll get back to more normal Spider-man stories when it’s over. (I’m not sure how many times I’ve said that over the years.)
Hey, the artwork looks kind of nice at least, right?
I hope you feel better!
Hey Mark!
I hope you feel better soon. Having gone through covid lately, I know how exhausted you must feel. But it should get better soon!
As for the review, I kinda disagree. While this is no masterpieces, it was an ok c issue to me. It’s not groundbreaking but it’s no amazing grace or omd or sin past either. I do wish they would stop teasing that stupid mystery. It makes me roll my eyes so hard everytime that it gets me out of the book.
I’m waiting to see where this is going but so far I’m ok with it