Spidey Friday Night Fights: Kicking Jurassssic!

“We interrupt tonight’sss regularly ssscheduled programming!”

Hello once again Crawl Ssspacersss!  It isss I, Sssteg… err… George Berrymore… I mean Berryman, yesss… with an important Ssspidey Friday Night Fightsss announcement!  The regularly ssscheduled fight for tonight hasss been pussshed back to next week ssso that we can bring you thisss even better fight right now!  Ssso it isss to your benefit to watch thisss fight inssstead.  Becaussse you will definitely be more entertained.

Tonight’sss bone-crunching Ssslam-a-rama featuresss the mossst awesssome, the mossst fantassstic, the mossst dangerousss foe that Ssspider-Man has ever faced in hisss long, annoying career.  I ssspeak of courssse of Ssstegron, the Dinosssaur Man, for who elssse can posssibly match that dessscription?  And tonight’sss titanic tale of woe for the Wallcrawler hasss itsss genesssisss in Marvel Team-Up #19 (‘The Coming of Ssstegron, the Dinosssaur Man’ by Len Wein and Gil Kane) and #20 (‘Dinosssaurs on Broadway’ by Wein & Sssal Bussscema), featuring Ssstegron’s gloriousss introduction in the wonderfully primal Sssavage Land.

After Ssstegron conquered New York City in thossse two isssuesss he then returned for more of the sssame in the pagesss of Amazing Ssspider-Man #165 (‘Ssstegron Ssstalks the City’ by Wein & Rosss Andru) and Amazing Ssspider-Man #166 (‘War of the Reptile Men.’)  Thossse Amazing Ssspider-Man ssstories chronicle Ssstegron’s sssecond sssuccesssful campaign againssst the hairlesss apesss of the Big Apple.

Ssso come along with me, the mighty Ssstegr… err… the mighty George Berryman… asss we take a look at what isss quite posssibly one of the greatessst fightsss ever witnesssed upon Planet Earth.  I defy you to click below and read the ressst of thisss entry, mammalsss!

Our Ssstory:  Dr. Vincent Ssstegron, in an effort to sssave the entire planet from itssself, developed a unique formula that would give him amazing reptilian powersss and ssstrength.  Oh, and Dr. Curt Connorsss wasss there, too, but mainly asss a lab asssissstant.  You know, carrying around my… err… Ssstegron’s beakersss, working the hot plate, picking up the dry cleaning and getting Ssstegron hisss sssandwichesss for lunch.  That sssort of thing, you know?  Anyway, Ssspider-Man comesss to the Sssavage Land to help Ka-Zar and hisss freakissshly large flea-infesssted cat and they all three try to ssstop me… err… tried to ssstop Ssstegron from sssaving the planet.  And that’sss where we come in to watch.  Let’sss!

TONIGHT’SSS CARD

In the left corner…

Peter Benjamin Parker, aka ‘The Ssspider-Man’

Height & Weight: 5′10″ / 165 lbs.
Powersss: Proportionate ssstrength, ssspeed and agility of a ssspider.
Ssspider-Sssenssse.  Webssshootersss.  Meddling in busssinesss that doesss
not concern him!!

And in the right corner…

Vincent Ssstegron, aka ‘The Dinosssaur Man’

Height & Weight: 6′2″ / 610 lbs.
Powersss: Unrivaled physssical ssstrength.
Amazing quicknesss and agility.
Ssspiked tail that can impale meddlersss.
Natural armored plating covering hisss powerful frame.
Sssuper-Geniusss Intellect.
Sssharp teeth & clawsss.  And handsssome.

ROUND ONE – RAAAWR!

Okay here Ssstegron is trying to herd hisss endangered dinosssaur friendsss away from harm’sss way during Ssspider-Man’sss and Ka-Zar’sss initial dissshonorable asssault.  Fortunately my… err… Ssstegron’sss power is sssuch that he is able to ssswat Ssspider-Man away like the annoying pessst that he isss!

Hey Wallcrawler!  Jussst be glad that Lord Ssstegron’sss not in a killing mood thisss day, or elssse you’d find out how hard it isss to breathe with four masssive ssspikes sssticking into your chessst cavity!

Ssso while Lord Ssstegron triesss desssperately to sssave hisss endangered dinosssaur friendsss, Ka-Zar ssshowsss up with hisss pet cat, which I am sssure hasssn’t had all of itsss ssshotsss, and ssstart trying to kill Ssstegron’sss dinosssaur palsss!

But Lord Ssstegron isss a merciful conqueror, and he only ate Ka-Zar’sss cat and let Ka-Zar go.  Ka-Zar apologized for hisss transssgresssionsss upon me… err… upon Lord Ssstegron… and then Lord Ssstegron attempted to airlift hisss dinosssaur friendsss out of the Sssavage Land on the Dinosssaur Ark.  Ssspider-Man tried to ssstop m… Ssstegron a sssecond time, but Lord Ssstegron’sss tail was able to thwart the Wallcrawler again.  Ssstegron’sss tail alone is a match for that pitiful, sssniveling Ssspider-Man.  I imagine when he isss in the sssuper-hero cocktail barsss he tellsss hisss friendsss about hisss roguesss gallery… “Oh yeah, Human Torch, I have lotsss of enemiesss.  The Green Goblin, the Sssinissster Sssix… but none are asss awesssome, or asss incredible or god-like, as Ssstegron’sss tail.”

Oh and the Black Panther ssshowed up to help Ssspidey and I… err… Ssstegron totally kicked hisss worthlesss hide around asss well.  And then Ssstegron conquered New York City and went to the United Nationsss where they proclaimed him ‘Ruler of Earth For All Time Ever Becaussse He Isss Jussst Ssso Awesssome.’  But then Ssstegron misssed hisss dinosssaur friendsss and he went back to the Sssavage Land to sssee them.

ROUND TWO – RAAAWR!

But then Lord Ssstegron heard that sssome of the museumsss in New York City had ssskeletonsss of sssome of Ssstegron’sss dinosssaur friendsss.  Ssso Lord Ssstegron developed a ray gun to make hisss dinosssaur friendsss’ ssskeletonsss move and eventually grow meat back on their bonesss.

OH MY GOD, HOW CAN SSSTEGRON EVEN DO THAT?  I MEAN THAT SSSOUNDSSS CRAZY, RIGHT?  LIKE HOW CAN THAT LEVEL OF TECHNOLOGY EVEN POSSSIBLY EXISSST?!  WELL WHEN WE APPLY THE PRINCIPLE OF OCCAM’SSS RAZOR AND LOOK FOR THE SSSIMPLESSST ANSSSWER WE FIND THAT LORD SSSTEGRON ISSS CLEARLY THE SSSMARTESSST SSSCIENTISSST ON THE PLANET EARTH.  MAYBE EVEN THE WHOLE UNIVERSSSE.  SSSMARTER THAN SSSPIDER-MAN, SSSMARTER THAN CONNORSSS, AND DEFINITELY SSSMARTER THAN DR. DOOM OR REED RICHARDSSS!

Anyway, where wasss I?  Oh right, I was usssing my r… err Lord Ssstegron was usssing hisss dinosssaur meat ray gun to sssave hisss dead dinosssaur friendsss when Ssspider-Man decided to attack him once again!  How ssstupid can one ssspider be?!

Pretty ssstupid isss the anssswer there, friendsss!  Ssso Lord Ssstegron’sss tail, who isss the arch-nemesssisss of Ssspider-Man, went back on the attack and sssprung into action.  Ssstegron’sss tail decided that the bessst way to buy time for hisss dinosssaur friendsss wasss to knock over a masssive sssupport column inssside the mussseum, thusss causssing Ssspider-Man to be trapped under tonsss and tonsss of rubble and debrisss!

Becaussse Ssstegron isss jussst sssmart like that kidsss.  He isss alwaysss thinking twenty or even thirty movesss ahead of hisss opponentsss.  And that isss why Earth’s puny sssuperheroesss can never hope to bessst me… err… Lord Ssstegron I ssshould sssay.

ROUND THREE – RAAAWR!

Ssso as Ssspider-Man getsss trapped under tonsss of rubble (or asss Ssstegron callsss it, ‘Tuesssday’) that givesss Lord Ssstegron time to sssave the Lizard’sss whelp.

Why doesss Lord Ssstegron need to sssave Lizard’sss whelp?  Becaussse Connorsss (Ssstegron’sss former butler) hasss turned back into the Lizard and now wantsss to eat hisss own kid.  Ssso it isss up to Lord Ssstegron to sssave Billy from hisss own father.

Ssspider-Man wasss too busssy trying to hurt Ssstegron’sss dinosssaur friendsss at the mussseum to help sssave the whelp from Connorsss, ssso – of courssse – Ssstegron hasss to do everything by himssself.  That is Ssstegron’sss gift.  That is Ssstegron’sss curssse.  With great dinosssaur-nesss comesss great resssponsssibility.

Meanwhile, with Ssspider-Man having to call 9-1-1 to get him out from under the mussseum rubble, Ssstegron’sss dinosssaur friendsss are getting healthier while rampaging through the city.  Ssstegron’sss meat ray gun hasss ssset them on the path to full recovery and they are quickly growing preciousss dinosssaur meat back on their bare bonesss.

Asss you might expect thisss isss probably ssscaring the poo-poo out of the hairlesss apesss who live in New York City but Ssstegron caresss not.  They ssshould be usssed to Ssstegron’sss dinosssaur legionsss after the lassst time Ssstegron conquered the Earth and brought everyone under hisss benevolent rule.

Unfortunately, Connorsss (in full Lizard mode now) eventually tracked Ssstegron down.  And when I sssay ‘unfortunately’ I mean for the Lizard!  Caussse Lord Ssstegron isss ever ready, willing and able to throw a mean hurt on a fool!

ROUND FOUR – RAAAWR!

At firssst Lord Ssstegron takesss pity on Connorsss for he isss an inferior reptile who sssuffersss from envy.  Ssso Lord Ssstegron, before he isss forced to deliver a sssavage beating on the Lizard, actually offersss to let the Lizard become hisss partner again.  Jussst like Connorsss wasss before Lord Ssstegron ascended.

“Join me, Lizard, and you can once again pick up my dry cleaning on Thursssdays, making sssure Ssstegron’sss ssshirtsss have been properly ssstarched!”

But the Lizard sssimply will not hear it, and he keepsss trying to eat hisss own whelp.  Ssso Ssstegron isss forced to sssoundly sssubjugate the annoying Connorsss.  KNEEL BEFORE SSSTEGRON!

With the Lizard sssubdued by Lord Ssstegron’sss awesssome ssstrength and quicknesss, Ssspider-Man decidesss to attempt another sssneak attack.  Apparently he hasssn’t yet learned hisss lessson about picking a fight with Ssstegron and once again he comesss face to face with hisss greatessst nemesssisss – Ssstegron’sss Tail!

By this time my… err… Lord Ssstegron’sss tail had all it could take of Ssspider-Man’sss meddlesssome waysss and decided Ssspider-Man needed to be taken out of the picture.  Sssometimesss when Lord Ssstegron’sss tail becomesss enraged even Ssstegron cannot control itsss bloodthirssst.  But wanting to keep the losss of life to a minimum, Lord Ssstegron isss able to convince hisss tail – ssstill blind with rage while gripped tight around hisss longtime foe – not to kill Ssspider-Man.

ROUND FIVE – RAAAWR!

But Ssstegron could not, however, convince hisss tail to not throw Ssspider-Man acrosss the room like a rag doll.  Cheer up, Web Ssslinger!  At leassst you are alive – for the moment – and not impaled on Ssstegron’sss Tail’sss Ssspikesss!  Alwaysss look for the posssitivesss.  It’sss how Ssstegron getsss through hisss day!  Remember kidsss – nothing sssays ‘Win!’ like a posssitive attitude!

Okay ssso Ssspider-Man got tosssed outssside by Ssstegron’sss tail.  By thisss time Ssstegron’sss dinossaur buddiesss were all meated-up and ready to play.  Unfortunately Ssstegron could not ssstop the wrath of hisss dinosssaur friendsss.  Their primordial wrath wasss jussst too great and they were really sssuper pisssed off about Ssspider-Man and Connorsss attacking me.  Err… attacking Ssstegron I mean.

Ssso they ate them in Central Park and then the sssnow covered their freshly gnawed bones.  And Ssstegron conquered New York City again (becaussse thossse hairlesss apesss alwaysss need a violent reminder of who reignsss on thisss planet!)

Then he took hisss awesome sssuper dinosssaur buddiesss back home to the Sssavage Land, where they ate Ka-Zar.

And then Ssstegron took Ssshanna the Ssshe-Devil asss hisss queen.  And he lived forever and they had lotsss of babiesss and the dinosssaurs were alwaysss happy forever too.

THE END.

DECISION – ALL HAIL EMPEROR SSSTEGRON!

Yeah I think that’sss pretty unanimousss, right?  Lord Ssstegron isss jussst too much awesssome collected into one body for anyone elssse to take down.

For expert analysssisss let’sss return now, asss we alwaysss do, back to the Ssstegron Friday Night Fightsss ssstudio to get commentary and insssight from our regular fight doctorsss, Dr. Karl ‘Sssauron’ Lykosss and Devil Dinosssaur.  Sssauron, why do people alwaysss try to messs with ‘the Ssstegron?!’  Are they jussst ssstupid or sssomething?

“Yeah I’m gonna go with stupid there, Stegron.  Uh… I mean SFNF host George Berryman.

Say, you know what Stegron really needs to correct fools who don’t know that its Stegron Time?  Fire breath.  Man I have that and it is awesome.  Nothing says “Back the Hell off me, champ!” like a blast of fire belching out of your throat right into their stupid faces.  So while that tail’s the bomb he might want to look at mixing up a ‘fire breath’ forumla, too.  I mean it’s science so it’s all good, right?

Going back to the stupidity thing… these heroes never learn.  They just keep coming back and coming back, like some bad chili you had the night before.  Especially those damn X-Men.  I mean you have to go out of your way to get to the Savage Land.  It’s not like you’re running down to the freaking Circle K – it’s in Antarctica!  But that doesn’t stop them!  They just zip on down like they own the place and then act all offended when we defend our homeland.

Hey, Storm – howsabout I start flyin’ up to New York and payin’ you freaks a visit for once?  You like the sound of that?  Yeah I think I’ll do that.  Got my bags packed and everything.  Next time the doorbell rings expect some fire breath to melt your face off, you lame weather witch.

Anyway, great win Stegron.  Great win.  You took Spider-Man out, Ka-Zar out, Black Panther out… you’re on a streak, man.  Seriously, go hunt down the Avengers next, and then the Fantastic Four.  They’ve been down in the Savage Land causing problems, too, same as the X-Men.

And I swear if I see another Skrull I will just freak right the Hell out.  You guys want a jungle?  Hey BUILD ONE ON YOUR OWN PLANETS, YOU WEIRD-CHINNED FREAKS!  SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE CHINS ANYWAY?  YOUR CHINS LOOK LIKE AN ABACUS AND SAURON WANTS TO DO SOME MATH, LILLYPADS!

… sorry.  Kinda went off there.  But Devil Dinosaur, you know exactly what I am talking about, right man?  Why is the Savage Land the pit stop for so many ‘heroes’ and alien races?!  Why can’t they just leave us the Hell alone?”

“RAAAAAWR!

MRRWOOOOAAARR!!

GRRRRAAAAUUUGHRAAAWR!!

MRRROOORRR??

RRAUGH.  GRRRAUUUWARR.  NROOOAAAWR, GUUAARGH!

*shakes his head and sighs*

RAAAWR!

RAAAAAWR!!”

Exactly, DD.  Sssometimesss the old waysss are bessst.  People forget how eloquent you are.  That almossst brought tearsss to thisss old dinosssaur’sss eyesss.  You don’t talk ssso much asss sssing truth.

For Dr. Lykosss, Devil Dinosssaur and everyone at the Ssstegron Friday Night Fightsss crew, thisss isss Ssste… err thisss isss totally George Berryman, sssigning off and sssaying “Have a great week and ssstay the Hell out of the Sssavage Land, apesss!  RAAAWR!”

NEXT WEEK: SSSTEGRON TOTALLY DOESSS SSSOME MORE AWESSSOME SSSTUFF!

George here… yeah I think we’ve taken back control of the satellite feed now.  Sheesh, sorry about that folks!  I had no idea Stegron’d try to jack our signal like that!

Well I don’t know what he’ll be watching next Friday but we’ll be coming at you with another HALL OF FAME FIGHT!

So what else is new?

Well on Tuesday, Marvel Fight Club #2 – ‘ They Met For MURDER!’ – saw action between Misty Knight and the Fookiller in Arcade’s Murderworld!

With a whopping 92% of the vote you Crawl Spacers selected Misty Knight as the winner, and most weren’t too impressed with the fact that Foolkiller “owns a van.”  Heh.

So what will next Tuesday bring?  Since it’s always totally random we just don’t know yet!  But it’s guaranteed that we’ll have some laughs.

Have a great weekend, Crawl Spacers!

–George Berryman!