It’s Christmas time again and so we have our (mostly) annual look back at some of Spidey’s greatest Christmas stories from the past. And since Christmas is all about being with family and friends (the Crawlspace staff’s Christmas parties are rather legendary and have been banned in three states and all of Canada except Quebec), it is only right to have Firestar and Iceman along for the ride!
To get you in the proper mood, get this playing while you are reading the article.
Now, for the way back machine – the year is 1983. Gas was $1.16 a gallon and the top movie was Return of the Jedi, which would cost the viewer a whooping $3.15 a ticket. If you lived in Dallas, Texas, you also would have sat down to read the newspaper comic strip and would have been pleased to find this beauty inside the paper:
Yes the cover has a hyphen for Firestar and they give her the hyphen all the way through the issue, but she doesn’t have one. Neither does Firestar, the leader of the Thunder Clan in the Warriors series of cat adventure books, which has absolutely nothing to do with anything related to my article, but when do I let such trivialities stop me from digressing?
Now this wasn’t some knock-off newspaper comic, no sir-ee! This is genuine Marvel with Jim Salicrup writing it and pencils by Jim Mooney. This would also be hoped for, I’m sure, since there were four promotional Spider-Man comic previously, and the one just before this one this month was where little Dallasonian kiddies got this gem:
Of course, Kingpin in a Santa suit looks far more entertaining than the Amazing Friends at the Nutcracker, but as I already chronicled the former, we will focus on the latter right now.
The cover tells us that The Nutcracker ballet is featured prominently in this issue, so I, for sheer dedication to my craft and the Crawlspace (and not at all because my wife bought tickets and told me I was going), went to a showing of this ballet so that I could write this article with authority. I also found out from a credible source that many professional ballerinas are not fans of The Nutcracker simply because the show is performed every year, with the same fairly simple choreography, and they just get tired of it.
That’s my hand, folks, and if you look closely, you can see the elbow of the annoying woman who sat in front of me.
Enough dilly-dallying – let’s get on with the review!
For those of you who remember the plot line lesson from your jr. high/middle school years, we start with a bit of exposition:
So this is happening right after Christmas, which is odd, but I guess not too odd. Ballet companies typically wrap up the Nutcracker performances before Christmas, but it is possible to continue into the post-Christmas/pre-New Year week of bliss. What should be noted is that this is the final performance of the Nutcracker for the season. Mark ye well and remember that, dear reader.
It’s not long before we jump right into the narrative hook, which is Peter’s spider-sense tingling. Since Iceman is a bit of a doofus, Peter reminds them that when his spider-sense tingles, there’s danger nearby! But all they see are a group of guys unloading stage props. But Angelica, being smarter than your average mutant, figures out that they are actually loading up the props, which is a tad bit strange since the ballet hasn’t started yet.
Bobby gives us two allusions – one about Superman’s habit of changing in the phone booth (for you readers about Neil’s age or younger, phone booths are like a TARDIS that doesn’t travel through all time and relative dimension in space but rather has a phone you could pay to use, or if you were daring, provides a glass box for you to change clothes in) and for this famous ’80s commerical:
So thankfully, that wasn’t some lewd comment he was making. Peter, unsure of Bobby’s intentions, though, suggest they go somewhere less controversial to take off their clothes – public restrooms. On a side note, if my watching of Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends has taught me anything, only Peter really needs to change his clothes. The others just use their mutant powers to change up.
Whatever the case, our villain reveals himself and it is no other than…
This guy has a backstory that just screams Electric Company Spider-Man:
Now you might be saying that this cheesy origin is just because it is a freebie of Amazing Friends story, but au contraire, mon frere, Daddy Longlegs is a bonafide 616 Marvel villain (and not to be confused with Daddy Wronglegs or Longlegs, also bona fide 616 Marvel villains) and has gone up against Spider-Woman. Spider-Woman #47, to be exact, in case you were wanting to read it for yourself. Consider it a Crawlspace stocking stuffer. It’s not available on Marvel Unlimited right now, but surely such a gem will not be long in the coming, so I still included to the link to where it will eventually be found. Consider this much like the kids back in the ’70s who at Christmas got the card promising that they will eventually get the Star Wars action figures they wanted.
His name is Ramsey Kole. The guy used to be 4’6, but now he is 15′ tall thanks to that serum, which, incidentally was eventually modified, thanks to experiments done on Daddy Longlegs, and used to create Black Goliath. Spider-Man and friends are having a tough time nailing him because despite their super powers, he has the grace and speed a ballet dancer. Now, if you’ve never seen a real ballet dance at work, before you scoff at this concept, watch this:
Add to that a bit of super strength and super long limbs, then you’ve got a credible threat. If you are wondering why we don’t see him more often in current comics, it is because he eventually was cured and is now a 5′ 10” and living the sweet life as a dancer despite his former life of crime.
You’ve to admit, wearing a tux with tails is a nice touch, though a ballet dancer wouldn’t typically be thought of in a tux.
Despite overwhelming odds against our three heroes, Spider-Man and Iceman concoct a plan. Spidey webs his feet and…
Just like in that really old movie Empire Strikes Back.
I’m not quite sure how Daddy Longlegs counts himself a genius since his whole, “if I can’t dance, no one will!’ mantra is a bit… weak. Especially when we pay attention to the fact that THIS IS THE FINAL PERFORMANCE of the show. It will be the time of the weakest attendance as well since it is the after-Christmas showing.
Peter, Bobby, and Angelica go into the auditorium and begin reading to us from the program until the ballet starts and we watch the performance with them.
The Nutcracker is composed by Tchaikovsky, and you recognize his music because he’s the same guy who composed most of the background for the more famous The Ren and Stimpy Show. You probably recognize his name from this famous clip from A View to a Kill, a rather disappointing end to Roger Moore’s illustrious career as James Bond:
The story they give follows the typical plot of the ballet: Clara, a young girl with a bratty brother, is at her parents’ Christmas party. In comes her morally sketchy uncle who provides toys for all the kids, but has a special toy for his favorite niece – a nutcracker. Her brother breaks it, but she loves it anyway. After the party is over, she falls asleep with the nutcracker and shrinks down to the size of a toy. Mice come after her and attack her and the toys, but the nutcracker comes to life and battles the mice. Then the Mouse King appears (usually with multiple heads – anywhere from three to seven). Just when the Mouse King is about to defeat the nutcracker, this happens:
That is one of the ugliest nutcrackers I have ever seen.
Then the nutcracker slays the beast and transforms into a handsome prince who Clara away (a la Polar Express) to the land of sweets where everybody there puts on a dance performance for the little girl. When she finally leaves, she wakes up to find herself by the tree. Was it a dream? Who knows and who cares – the ballet is over.
All in all, we get seven pages of our heroes battling Daddy Longlegs and nine pages retelling The Nutcracker.
In 2020, a page of the original art sold for $192 – and that didn’t have any heroes in it, just a page from the retelling of ballet.
On a sad note, while Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends is Earth-8107, this is Earth-1983 and the fate of these ballet-watching heroes are eventually killed by Morlun.
Believe it or not, this absolutely wonderful piece of comic literature made the Topless Robot’s to ten list of worst freebie comics. Coming in at number 8, it did worse than The Adventures of Quik Bunny (the Nestle Quik mascot – but it did have a guest appearance of Spidey in it), which came in a #9, but that means it is not as “worst” as the infamous Spider-Man and Power Pack team up. That came in as #2, second only to Cheesasaurus Rex and the Kraft Cheese and Macaroni Friends. Now, I haven’t read that particular issue, but how could you go wrong with a Mac and Cheese dinosaur? And how has this not been a crossover with Stegron yet?
I cannot thank my friend Mohammed enough for getting me a copy of this issue to review. Thanks buddy!
Dying to get your hands on a copy? You can use your Christmas gift money to grab it for a mere $20 off of eBay!
Special note to Brad in response to a remark he made on the front page not too recently:
I will strive to do better, boss!
Finally, to end our review, a bit of Spider-Man Christmas that has nothing to do with this issue:
Not enough Spider-Man Christmas for you? Go back to Where’s My Schwinn?, perhaps the best Spider-Man Christmas comic ever.
Sources:
“1983 Gas Price in Today’s Dollars.” Dollar Times, H. Brothers, 2003, www.dollartimes.com/inflation/items/price-of-a-gallon-of-gas-in-1983.
Alford, Paula. Personal Interview. 14 Dec. 2023.
“Jim Mooney and John Tartaglione Spider-Man, Firestar and Iceman at the Dallas Ballet Nutcracker Story Page 8 Original Art.” Heritage Auctions, 2023, comics.ha.com/itm/original-comic-art/panel-pages/jim-mooney-and-john-tartaglione-spider-man-firestar-and-iceman-at-the-dallas-ballet-nutcracker-story-page-8/a/122020-15660.s
Proto-Man. “Spider-Man Earth 1983.” MarvelUnApp, 2 Aug. 2022, www.marvunapp.com/Appendix9/spiderman1983.htm.
“Ramsey Kole [Earth-616].” Marvel Database, Fandom, marvel.fandom.com/wiki/Ramsey_Kole_(Earth-616).
“Spider-Man, Firestar and Iceman.” Comic Book Realm, 2023, comicbookrealm.com/series/19205/0/Spider-Man,%20Firestar%20and%20Iceman.
Suneson, Grant. “Cost of a Movie Ticket the Year You Were Born.” 24/7 Wall Street, 29 Apr. 2020, 247wallst.com/special-report/2019/08/22/cost-of-a-movie-ticket-the-year-you-were-born-2/.
Thompson, Jessie. “The Ten Worst Freebie Comic Books of All Time.” Topless Robot, 18 Mar. 2008, www.toplessrobot.com/2008/03/the_10_worst_freebie_comic_books_of_all_time.php.
Wahl, T. Andrew. “Review: Spider-Man, Fire-Star and Iceman at the Dallas Ballet Nutcracker.” Off the Wahl, Off the Wahl Productions, 15 Dec. 2022, www.offthewahl.com/review-spider-man-fire-star-and-iceman-at-the-dallas-ballet-nutcracker/.
Merry Christmas! What do I want for Christmas? I want you to leave a comment below!
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@Evan – At first I read your comment as one – Athos was drunk, but got better. That’s a perfect rendition of George…
I may have to give Dumas another chance, but I’m not hopeful on that. I just picked up Gaiman’s Anansi’s Boys and will give that a whirl this break when I finish the book I am currently on. We really do need to start up that Crawlspace Classics Book Club.
Have a merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas to you, as well! And to everyone else here on the Crawlspace.
(Not to divert the thread too much, but I didn’t care for The Three Musketeers, either, but when I read the sequel, Twenty Years After, I was hooked, so I read the following sequels, as well. It reads like a thriller with Milady’s son systematically going after the musketeers for revenge, and Athos is one of my favorite characters in all of literature. He was a drunk in the first book, but he got better.)
That is a perfect rendering of George! I bet he’s asking Santa for a Stegron toy.
I’m looking into that Spider-man Christmas album now…
@Evan – Huge fan of Dumas’s ideas, but I could just not sustain the interest long enough to get through all of The Three Musketeers (which I distinctly remember there being four of them for as long as I read it). While I have never read his Nutcracker, I have seen the ballet several times both in person and on recordings. My wife is a huge Nutcracker fan (and I get her one every year – we are overflowing with nutcrackers around here). I have grown to appreciate it, though that recent one I went to was just disappointing. It felt more like a youth recital rather than a professional production.
As for “Spidey-Bells”, go to the Columns link and search for Cobwebs number 55 (I think) and you will get the entire album of Spider-Man Christmas songs. Sure to be a hit with your family this Christmas time!
They say he is 4’6″, but in one image I saw of him from a Spider-Woman comic showed he was dancing and with his arms outstretched, they only came to the other dancers arm pits. He looks like he must be dancing with the college basketball team or something. https://comicvine.gamespot.com/images/1300-2465015
I believe that is George with the overalls in the Hulk image near the bottom of the article.
I remember seeing that Christmas subscription ad when I was younger and then lager being disappointed when I found out the image it was based off of had nothing to do with Christmas. Thirteen issues at $.50 each! Sign me up, Marvel!
I just wanted some comments for Christmas, but your idea of a buddy comedy of Chi-Town and me as Hulk and Rick works for me as long as I get to be Rick and I get to play him like Kevin Hart. The spin will be that Rick constantly annoys Hulk (played by Chi-Town, ‘natch), but the one thing Hulk can’t bring himself to do is to smash Rick. That would be quality entertainment.
Have a great Christmas, Evan!
@Mark — My library has a copy of Alexandre Dumas’s Nutcracker, but, honestly, even though I am a huge fan of Alexandre Dumas, I couldn’t get through it — and it was a novella, too. Maybe the inability to endure the Nutcracker is a holiday tradition for me.
Not so, with your article, however! I didn’t even know that Spidey-Bells song existed. (Like Firestar, I added the hyphen because it just feels right.) Incidentally, I love that he rhymed “way” with “night,” even though there was a much more obvious word he could have gone with.
I wish I could have sympathy for Daddy Longlegs. I was 4’6″ in high school. It’s not so bad. There’s no one to seek revenge against, you just have to make friends with the big people so that you have ready-made protection.
Isn’t George in Texas? Did he make a cameo in this issue? That alone is worth far more than twenty dollars.
In that ad at the bottom of the article, Peter looks elated that the Hobgoblin thinks he’s Norman Osborn.
Did you mean to end your article with “What do I want for Christmas?”? If so, I’ll hazard a guess: You want to star in a buddy comedy movie with Chi-Town based upon the Incredible Hulk and Rick Jones.