Wow! A year and some change later and BD has let this silly column go on for 31 whole articles! I’m taking a break – just like last Thanksgiving and turning the research over to you the reader! For we are going back to the No-Prize Contest! You’ll have to be the one to find the history this week.
Last year with the bad villains contest, we had a plethora of categories and saw the amazing victories of Jeff Gutman, hornacek, Quilsniv (in a last minute hail Mary), Peter Parker Is the Real Spider-Man, and xellos85 (geez, man – Naked Shiny Gold Man???). Congratulations, guys. You’ve had a year to rest on your laurels, but now it is time to defend the title. You’ll have to step it up, for there won’t be five categories, but only three!
So – what’s the challenge? Thanks goes to ac for suggesting this last year. So now we can truthfully say – because you demanded it! The subject this year is the craziest, weirdest, oddest, most absurd situation Spider-Man has ever found himself in. You define what a crazy, weird, odd, and absurd situation is, but I’ll set the bar low and give this example:
The Spider-Hulk – After getting infused with some of Hulk’s bio-energy, Peter Parker starts to realize that it’s not easy being green. At one point, the alarm clock triggers his transformation. Nothing was safe from our gamma-gorged protagonist. Not even a poor set of lockers that he beat the crap out of. Our hero even talks like the Hulk (“Spider thank!” and “You take away! Now Spider take back!”) and spends his time searching for a sciencey device that will revert him back to normal (but unfortunately, won’t work on Banner). Oh WoSM, we miss your treasure trove of pure goodness.
Now, if you want that prize, you’ll need to do better than that. Shouldn’t be too hard.
The Rules:
- It must be Peter Parker.
- It does not have to be canon.
- It can be a brief scene, a whole comic, or a story arc.
- Tell us what is so absurd about the situation.
- If you can, give us the title and issue number.
- There is no limit on entries (but space it out – don’t hog all the absurdities in one comment).
The Categories:
- 616 Spidey
- Non-canon Spidey
- OMG That’s so awful I sure hope Dan Slott’s not paying attention and uses this in his next arc!
Just put your submissions into the comments section. I’ve been having a little trouble getting my comments to post, so if you are experiencing the same thing, don’t worry, just shoot me an email (there is a link next to my profile at the bottom of this article) and I’ll look for it in the usual places.
When is this due? BY FRIDAY I’ll post the winners up on Saturday.
What? You wanted some obscure Spider-History nugget? O.K., here’s one for you. In the early ’80s, Marvel produced a No-Prize book, just to showcase their biggest gaffs. I don’t have a copy (yet), but I can show you the cover. Anyone out there have it?
Apple Podcasts
Google Podcasts
Spotify
Pandora
Amazon Music
iHeartRadio
Podbean
Amazon Alexa
Player.fm
Listen Notes
Stitcher
I’d like to thank the Academy, my fellow nominees, all the little people … (orchestra starts playing)
Sorry to see a lot less participation in this contest. Maybe everyone was too busy with Thanksgiving? Although the last contest was at Thanksgiving last year, right? Don’t give up on us Mark!
And I can’t wait to receive my No-Prize!
Well, we didn’t have the 40+ entries that we did last Thanksgiving. So instead of three No-Prizes for four entries, we’ll have one. All others are runner ups and they were all good suggestions, but the second annual (and perhaps last) Crawlspace Cobwebs No-Prize goes to……..
HORNACEK!
Congratulations! Speech! Speech!
Thanks guys for playing!
That What if issue where Spider-Man kept his six arms because a shark ate Morbius. So he became a champion of the disabled. The story is really stupid. Do I really need to spell it out? Couldn’t he just get his extra arms amputated? They don’t have surgery in the marvel universe?
Sorry for the double comment
My submission is Spider-Man: Torment by Todd Mcfarlane.
Although I really like the art of McFarlane, I must admit that everything in Torment is absurd and meaningless. MJ dancing (it’s irrelevant and does not bring anything to the story), Spider-Man asking Calypso who she is and what she wants (even though he has known her for some time), and worst of all, Spider-Man breaking the Lizard’s neck with chains (really Peter? This is how you treat one of your best and old friends? What happened to the old days when you prepared the anti-lizard antidote to save Connors?). I think this story has many more absurd elements but I think these are the most remarkable.
My submission is Spider-Man: Torment by Todd Mcfarlane.
Although I really like the art of McFarlane, I must admit that everything in Torment is absurd and meaningless. MJ dancing (it’s irrelevant and does not bring anything to the story), Spider-Man asking Calypso who she is and what she wants (even though he has known her for some time), and worst of all, Spider-Man breaking the Lizard’s neck with chains (really Peter? This is how you treat one of your best and old friends? What happened to the old days when you prepared the anti-lizard antidote to save Connors?). I think this story has many more absurd elements but I think these are the most remarkable.
The entries so far –
Noncanon:
The Man-Spider (animated series) – SerSpidermonkey
Canon-
The Spider-Lizard (PPtSSM #39-40) – hornacek
So far you guys are winning! But don’t get too cocky – there’s a lot more awfulness out there is people have the stomach to look for it!
xonathan – you betcha! I figure What Ifs would pop up in the non 616 category.
AC- where are you? This was your idea!
This may look like I’m just copying off of Mark’s example, but I was thinking of this even before I saw the Spider-Hulk image. My submission (for today, at least) is the Spider-Lizard.
Back in PPtSSM #30-something, Peter used a device to cure Curt Connors of being the Lizard while fighting both the Lizard and the Iguana (another classic). But the device was not properly shielded, so Spidey absorbed some of Connors’ … uh, Lizardness (because of SCIENCE!). Peter got irritable and snapped at people, eventually (#39-40) turning into a lizard!
Like the Spider-Hulk, he’s basically the Lizard wearing a Spider-Man costume. Except for saying “the Spider-Lizard” at the very end of issue #39, he does not talk at all (also, this was a missed opportunity for Stegron to appear to see how he would react to Spider-Lizard).
Spidey-Lizard goes on a typical rampage, attacked by the cops and hiding in the sewers. He is eventually cured by Connors; Peter manages to cover his head with webbing, keeping his identity secret from Connors, even though Connors has witnessed both Peter Parker and Spider-Man suddenly become irritable and violent within the same time period.
Even my younger self realized that the Spider-Lizard was just plain goofy and just seemed ridiculous, like Mantlo had just watched some 50s horror movies.
Also, somehow I think John Semper may have been remembering these issues when he did the Neogenic Nightmare arc of the 90s animated series.
More goofiness in these issues? Electro manages to take down the Wizard, the Trapster, and Sandman with ease – all by himself.
Image: http://www.supermegamonkey.net/chronocomic/entries/scans14/PPTSSM39_Lizard.jpg
Do What If’s count? They are a weird and absurd no?
Becoming the Man spider in the animated series will always be the most horrendous event in all of spider-man history in my mind. It may only be super seeded by Peter feeling responsible for pretty much the entire city of NY becoming man spiders.