On my first post, a Crawlspacer named Jack jokingly suggested a column on the Gibbon. This was a dangerous thing for Jack to do since I was crazy enough to make my debut with the Spider-Mobile. This put a thought in my head, so I started thinking (a dangerous task, I know). The result of those gears grinding in head is this ALL NEW ALL DIFFERENT Cobwebs post – and, to my knowledge, the very first Crawlspace No Prize contest. Yes, that’s right true believers! I’m putting the research burden on you and you are going to find the craziest Spider-Man villain ever (which is why I’m posting early this time around -to give you weekend time to research).
Are you up to the task? Will you be able to rise above the rest? Will you be taking home a coveted Crawlspace Electronic No-Prize? Well, then, read below for more details!
About a month ago on the message boards, Animehunter posted an interview with Dan Slott from CBR talking about his plans for Spider-Man in the future books. One of the questions was what parts of Spider-Man would he NOT use? Here is his response:
“I brought back Living Brain. I’ve had like Overdrive convert the big wheel. I did stories with Cardiac and Stunner. I will use every single piece of the Spider-Man buffalo. I will use every single thing ’cause it’s this rich character for 50 years and it has all this stuff — okay, Mindworm and Judas Traveller, screw them. I am never using them.”
Every bit of the Spider-Man buffalo, huh? Well, let’s see how rotten that buffalo can get. Spider-Man has several decades to pull from and while we’re lucky that he doesn’t have Golden Age issues to work into continuity, he does have his share of craziness that would probably be better if it never resurfaced. Such as…
The Iguana
(PPTSSM #32) – Imagine this – you are the editor and your writer comes to you with a Lizard story. Ho hum, you say. But wait! This writer has a unique twist – it’s not Curt Connors, but rather his pet iguana that has now turned into a half man-half lizard creature capable of hypnotizing you! Way cool!
No way would anyone revisit that fiasco of a loser villain, so we can….. wait a second, getting a text message from Crawlspace management here…
Dan Slott already used him? Geez! This guy’s not kidding when he says all parts of the Spider-Man buffalo… O.K., how about this one:
Slyde
(ASM #272) What is the one type of scientist you would NOT want to tick off? Did you say one who develops kitchen frying pans? You’d better believe it! Jalome Beacher created a solution that, when coated over any object, makes that object have absolutely no friction whatsoever. You think Teflon is tough stuff? Think again. Who WOULDN’T use this stuff to become a criminal? Of course, since Spidey catches thieves in a web, he is powerless against a foe that webbing can’t adhere to. If only Spidey had other powers. I bet he’s got an app on his Parkerware that takes care of it now.
Carnage Swarm
What’s more deadly than a Nazi skeleton covered in bees? How about a Nazi skeleton covered in bees AND a psychopathic symbiote? Spidey’s never had a more deadly villain team up since Sandman and Hydroman joined to make Mudman! First appearing in Amazing Spider-Man #430, it is a classic that is sure to be in every serious collector’s long box.
O.K., you got me. Carnage Swarm doesn’t exist. But it should. My son Grant came up with this and he looked at me and said, “Dad, every bee has his own Carnage face and tongue. EVERY BEE.” So my plea to Gerry Conway and Dan Slott, if either of you is reading my humble post, is to make this happen. Even if it is a one panel dream shot. I’ll be the dad of the year if I got his idea in print.
Are you ready to stand a little taller? Be a little prouder? Can you find villains that Spider-Man fought that are worse than Mindworm and Traveller? Well then – get ready for mayhem in the mighty Marvel manner! I’m putting the history lesson on you guys this week. Your task is to find the craziest, weirdest, stupidiest* villain Spidey has ever tangled with. Here are the rules:
- It doesn’t have to be in a Spider-Man title, but more weight will be given to villains who were canon (at least at some point in continuity). Spidey Super Stories and Electric Company episode are off limits. As well as any non-Peter Parker Spider-Man story.
- Mindworm and Traveller are off limits (besides, we can do better than that).
- To qualify as a Spider-Man villain, Spidey must have had an encounter, however brief, with said villain.
- First person to post that villain lays claim to the villain for his or her entry.
- Feel free to throw support behind other people’s entries.
How do you enter this contest? Just post your entry in the replies section to this post. We’ll need the villain’s name and a description of why they are so awful. An issue where the villain appeared would be appreciated as well as an image.
So what are you waiting for? You have until 12/4 Friday midnight to contribute. On Saturday our panel of secret Crawlspace judges will evaluate all entries and the winner will be announced in the replies section of this post. That winner will be the proud recipient of the first ever ELECTRONIC CRAWLSPACE NO-PRIZE!
Oh, and don’t forget to drop some praise in the comments section for Carnage Swarm. Make my son’s day.
Sources:
“Iguana (Earth-616).” Marvel Database. Wikia, N.d. Web. 26 Nov. 2015.
Marston, Greg. “The 10 WORST Spider-Man Villains of All Time.” Newsarama. Purch, 30 June 2015. Web. 26 Nov. 2015.
Phegley, Kiel. “Dan Slott Has a ‘Giant, Evil Master Plan’ for ‘Amazing Spider-Man.’” Comic Book Resources. CBR, 3 Nov. 2015. Web. 3 Nov. 2015.
“Slyde.” Marvel Universe Wiki. Marvel, 2015. Web. 26 Nov. 2015.
Images:
*I know you might be saying that “stupidest” is not a word. My viewpoint is that if the dictionaries can include “bootylicious” then I can use “stupidest”. Since I’m also an English teacher, I have the power to make it official.
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“Fan Favorite Category Winner – Paste Pot Pete”
Heck yeah!! That was fun. Let’s do another Crawlspace contest this again sometime.
I was thinking biannually. Maybe once at Thanksgiving and once at summer. We’ll see what BD thinks of it.
“I’d like to thank the Academy … ” (music starts playing, getting louder, drowns Hornacek off of stage)
This was a lot of fun, should be done annually or bi-annually. If we do it more often it might be too much.
O.K., the time has come to pick a winner. Thanks to all who entered! I was surprised at the number entries that we had. We’ll have to do something like this again in the future.
Here are all the entrants. Warning, viewing this list may causes nausea, vomiting, bleeding from the eyes, rhinorrhea, psychosis, or hemorrhoids. Crawlspace takes no responsibility for any injury sustained through looking over this list. If you experience any of these symptoms, stop reading immediately and pull out some classic Amazing Spider-Man comics from the Lee Ditko age.
Freak – http://marvel.com/universe/Freak_(mutate)
Captain Power – http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Captain_Power
Hypno Hustler – http://marvel.com/universe/Hypno-Hustler
Type Face – http://marvel.com/universe/Typeface
Naked Shiny Gold Man – http://marvel.com/universe/Weiderman,_Charlie
Screwball – http://marvel.com/universe/Screwball
The Answer – http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Aaron_Nicholson_(Earth-616)
Styx and Stone – http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Jacob_Eichorn_(Earth-616)
The Russian – http://www.comicvine.com/russian/4005-41663/
The Kangaroo – http://marvel.com/universe/Kangaroo_(Frank_Oliver) or http://marvel.com/universe/Kangaroo_(Brian_Hibbs) (yes, there were actually two of them!)
Big Wheel – http://marvel.com/universe/Big_Wheel
The Spot – http://marvel.com/universe/Spot
Rocket Racer – http://marvel.com/universe/Rocket_Racer
Spidercide – http://static.comicvine.com/uploads/scale_super/8/80103/4083753-asm-404-12.jpg
White Rabbit – http://marvel.com/universe/White_Rabbit
Skinhead – http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Edward_Cross_(Earth-616)
Rapier- http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Dominic_Tyrone_(Earth-616)
Master Programmer – http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Master_Programmer_(Earth-TRN410)
Grizzly – http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Maxwell_Markham_(Earth-616)
Facade – http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/FACADE
Paste Pot Pete – http://marvel.com/universe/Trapster_(Peter_Petruski)
Pro-Rata, the Cosmic Accountant – http://www.marvunapp.com/Appendix/prorata.htm
Paper Doll – http://marvel.com/universe/Paper_Doll
Smokescreen – http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Smokescreen
Wow! These guys are all so bad that I think I can safely say that the fact that they exist makes us all losers. We’ve had so many awful entries that I feel bad to have inflicted this contest upon you and my poor judges, but no pain no gain, right? So now it is time to unveil the grand loser… I mean winner. Look at that list and you will see that any of them could take the prize.
We had so many entries that we’ve decided to make a couple of categories.
Most likely to reappear in a comic this year – You know that they may all appear if Slott’s Spider-Man buffalo comment is correct (in fact many of them already have), but this one has the most potential to do so. Of course death of a comic book character does not automatically remove them from the running.
2nd Runner Up – The Kangaroo (Frank Oliver)
1st Runner Up – The Kangaroo (Brian Hibbs) In fact, I think a fight between the two of them with Spider-Man caught in the middle is inevitable! Nice job xonathan!
FIRST PLACE – The Grizzly – Yes even though our fur bound friend is in Florida, now that Spidey has gone global, I can see him stuck in a situation (maybe even in the one mention above) and needing Ant Man and his hairy partner to rescue him.
Congratulations Jeff Gutman, your Crawlspace No-Prize is being sent to your electronic device as an attachment as we speak.
What the…? Marvel no longer makes this parody comic, but if it still did, then this character would not even need to be changed!
Runner Up – Hypno Hustler – Nice job stegron!
FIRST PLACE – Type Face – seriously, you stick letters to your face and that’s your look? It looks like he stepped right out of a Spidey Super Story!
Congratulations hornacek, your Crawlspace No-Prize is being sent to your electronic device as an attachment as we speak.
Most Obscure – These people did some digging to find these characters. Some of them aren’t even acknowledged by Marvel on their own character database site.
Runner Up – Captain Power – BD you found a girl that transforms into a guy for power and is so obscure that even Marvel doesn’t acknowledge the character. I read Chapter 1 back in the day and even I don’t remember this character. You had this entry locked as winner, until…
FIRST PLACE – Smokescreen – this last minute entry clouded the field of most obscure and eventually came out the winner. The judges were in a heated debate over which one would win between the two, but you went to a PSA to find your entry! That was the deciding factor.
Congratulations QuilSniv, your Crawlspace No-Prize is being sent to your electronic device as an attachment as we speak.
Fan Favorite – based on the number of sheer puns generated in the comments section, it’s obvious that we’ve become quite attached to this guy:
PASTE POT PETE! I had no idea that this guy predates the Silver Age.
Congratulations Peter Parker is the real Spider-Man, your Crawlspace No-Prize is being sent to your electronic device as an attachment as we speak.
Grand Loser of All – this is the grand prize of worst villains to ever grace the pages of a Spider-Man comic book. It was a hard choice and I’m not sure if the submitter of this award should be commended for finding this monstrosity of literature or if we should stone him for subjecting us to it. Let it be known that the Crawlspace herby congratulates
Runner Up – The Russian – AmFan15, I don’t even know where to begin with crazy guy, er… girl, er… whatever his identifies as. He was in the running for pretty much all of these categories. I’m praying that Slott isn’t following this contest for your entry alone! Spidey’s out in one punch and Punisher saves the day? Actually sounds a lot like this story could have happened right after Peter Parker got his life back from Doc Ock.
GRAND PRIZE WINNER – by unanimous decision…
NAKED SHINY GOLD MAN! This has got to be the worst of the worst: not only is this kid more picked than Peter, not only is his super power being sprinkled by gold dust, not only is his costume basically wel placed shadows, not only is that picture posted of him above going to haunt my memories until the day I die, but to make matters even worse, Spider-Man has turned this guy into a living statue by solidifying the special suit used to stabilize him and now the guy is stuck in some Stark lab being fed by a tube and I guess pooping out of another one for the rest of his life. Despite Peter knowing this guy, I don’t see him using any of his new tech to help him out. Poor Naked Shiny Gold Man!
Mark – you’re right about Grizzly in ant man. I’m reading that too. He’s hilarious there so I can’t really hate on him too much!
As for Facade- here’s the link:
http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/FACADE
Oooh, I’ve got one! Smokescreen from that old drug PSA, Spider-Man Storm and Cage. Just a guy who shot smoke from his wrists. His evil plot? Take over the high school sports gambling scene! And then, take over the world!
@43 – You might say this division over the Trapster is a … (puts on sunglasses) … sticky situation.
YYYEEEAAARRRGGGHHH!!!
So Paste Pot Pete has some…adherents! (Rofll
I mentioned the Paste-Pot Pete from the Marvel Adventures universe in my last post…. not the one from earth-616. So no escape this time.
@40 – And I liked what Mackie (?) did with him in his PPSM run. He made him into a smart and credible threat.
It seems to me that Paste Pot Pete, aka the Trapster, escapes the list for having been a respectable member of the Frightful Four.
@38 – The Gibbon escapes the D-list for being in the Legion of Losers.
Assuming I haven’t left anyone out this time, we have 22 entries so far! WOW! That’s a lot of bad villains! I’ve something from this exercise – Marvel’s character database page (Marvel Universe Wiki) is strangely incomplete. The Marvel Database Wikia has more entries than the official site. I suspected the Spider-Man buffalo had some parts that should just be left to rot on the plains, but you guys have really come through. I was hoping that we might get up to ten entries. You guys rock! We might have to have to create some categories when judging these entries. My condolences to the judges who will have to read through everyone of these character bios…
@31 – I’m reading _Ant Man_ right now on Marvel Unlimited, so I’m six months behind, but the Grizzly is working for Ant Man now. I suggest you check it out. Also, I can’t find a link to Facade anywhere. Can you point me in the right direction?
@33 – The Gibbon an A lister! Who would have thunk?
@34 – I’m glad you like it. Every week might be just a bit much (especially if it covers the awful like this one), but since it was a success, I think we might see it again before too much longer.
@35 – One panel is all that matters for the rules!
The competitors so far (I’ve included a link for each in case anyone would like to review and throw in their support for one over the other):
Freak – http://marvel.com/universe/Freak_(mutate)
Captain Power – http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Captain_Power
Hypno Hustler – http://marvel.com/universe/Hypno-Hustler
Type Face – http://marvel.com/universe/Typeface
Naked Shiny Gold Man – http://marvel.com/universe/Weiderman,_Charlie
Screwball – http://marvel.com/universe/Screwball
The Answer – http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Aaron_Nicholson_(Earth-616)
Styx and Stone – http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Jacob_Eichorn_(Earth-616)
The Russian – http://www.comicvine.com/russian/4005-41663/
The Kangaroo – http://marvel.com/universe/Kangaroo_(Frank_Oliver) or http://marvel.com/universe/Kangaroo_(Brian_Hibbs) (yes, there were actually two of them!)
Big Wheel – http://marvel.com/universe/Big_Wheel
The Spot – http://marvel.com/universe/Spot
Rocket Racer – http://marvel.com/universe/Rocket_Racer
Spidercide – http://static.comicvine.com/uploads/scale_super/8/80103/4083753-asm-404-12.jpg
White Rabbit – http://marvel.com/universe/White_Rabbit
Skinhead – http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Edward_Cross_(Earth-616)
Rapier- http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Dominic_Tyrone_(Earth-616)
Master Programmer – http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Master_Programmer_(Earth-TRN410)
Grizzly – http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Maxwell_Markham_(Earth-616)
Facade –
Paste Pot Pete – http://marvel.com/universe/Trapster_(Peter_Petruski)
Pro-Rata, the Cosmic Accountant – http://www.marvunapp.com/Appendix/prorata.htm
If I left you out, just let me know! You have three days left. Entries close down on Friday at midnight.
Incidentally, I was just reading Paperdoll’s character bio on comicvine (http://www.comicvine.com/paperdoll/4005-54836/), and it had these interesting lines, strangely relevant to BD’s earlier post about the interaction between fans and creators: “Slott cited his own position as both a fan and a professional writer as an example, stating: ‘We’ve all been bitten by the fan bug and, I think, one of the hardest parts about working on this side of the fence is trying to keep that in check and act like a ”professional”. Sometimes it’s scary, when the fan part of you pops out.'”
Pro-Rata’s page at Marvelunapp.com: http://www.marvunapp.com/Appendix/prorata.htm
Pro-Rata, The Cosmic Accountant.
Howard the Duck #1, with a guest appearance by Spider-Man.
I checked, and he *does fight Spidey, if for only one panel.
When I googled him, he came up as a HTD/Spider-Man villain, but I don’t think that was an official Marvel site.
Paste-Pot Pete from Marvel Adventures Spider-Man.
It’d be cool if we hold a no-prize contest like this every week.
After reading this horrible list, the Gibbon is starting to look better!
Paper Doll
Oh and we can’t forget the Grizzly!
A lot of Terry kavanaughs armored guys should be added here, but I’ll just say Facade and call it a night…
I missed White Rabbit and Spidercide I will add them to the list of competitors next time I put up the list (probably tomorrow). And thanks for the correct link to Rocket Racer, Mike K. Your eyes start to get blurry when staring at so much awfulness… 🙂
This list is pretty awful. We may have hit rock bottom!
Master programmer from the clone saga
Rapier
White rabbit doesn’t make the list?
I wasn’t reading ASM during this time, but I came across this atrociously bad villain: Skinhead!
http://whatculture.com/comics/10-thankfully-obscure-spider-man-villains.php/10
I think The Spot would be vetoed by Brad since he likes that villain. 🙂
Oops. Sorry for the double comment!
#20 – I know it’s hard to stay focused when dealing with so many awful villains, but here’s the right link for Rocket Racer 🙂
http://marvel.com/universe/Rocket_Racer
#20 – I know it’s hard to stay focused when dealing with so many awful villains, but here’s the right link for Rocket Racer: http://marvel.com/universe/Rocket_Racer
The competition is getting pretty rough. A message to Dan Slott – As a representative of the Spider-Man fan community, we will NOT hold you to the “every part of the Spider-Man buffalo” line.
The competitors so far (I’ve included a link for each in case anyone would like to review and throw in their support for one over the other):
Freak – http://marvel.com/universe/Freak_(mutate)
Captain Power – http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Captain_Power
Hypno Hustler – http://marvel.com/universe/Hypno-Hustler
Type Face – http://marvel.com/universe/Typeface
Naked Shiny Gold Man – http://marvel.com/universe/Weiderman,_Charlie
Screwball – http://marvel.com/universe/Screwball
The Answer – http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Aaron_Nicholson_(Earth-616)
Styx and Stone – http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Jacob_Eichorn_(Earth-616)
The Russian -http://www.comicvine.com/russian/4005-41663/
The Kangaroo – http://marvel.com/universe/Kangaroo_(Frank_Oliver) or http://marvel.com/universe/Kangaroo_(Brian_Hibbs) (yes, there were actually two of them!)
Big Wheel – http://marvel.com/universe/Big_Wheel
The Spot – http://marvel.com/universe/Spot
Rocket Racer – http://marvel.com/universe/Spot
We haven’t hit bottom yet! This is stiff competition. You want this No-prize? You’re going to have to earn it! Six days left!
Rocket Racer. Just a guy with a skateboard.
How about The Spot? With you being an English teacher and this villian being a part of punctuation though, you might like this character. Great idea.
BIG WHEEL (Appeared in AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #183)
The Kangaroo
Spidercide/Freak Face
Maximum Clonage Omega and Spectacular #224
He was the FIFTH known of clone of Peter Parker. He had metamorphic powers so advanced he could literally transform himself into water or be reduced to a head and regenerate. He was created by the 90s Joker rip-off furry Jackal. He was reduced to goo but revived by Scrier’s mystic mumbo jumbo even though Scrier wasn’t magical at all (I explain it away by saying Norman Osborn used Trainer or his other resources to pseudoscience Spidercide back from the brink, or else that ‘cide was regenerating anyway).
He had a personality which vacillated between confused, carnage/Kruger levels of jokey-crazy-violent, Hulk levels of savagery and BND levels of dumb and oblivious.
He was called Spidercide.
He believed himself to be the real Peter Parker despite ALL evidence to the contrary.
And these scenes happened:
http://i1275.photobucket.com/albums/y446/1026BigAl/Reaction%20Pics/Rage_zps18b8a28e.jpg
http://static.comicvine.com/uploads/scale_super/8/80103/4083753-asm-404-12.jpg
When you talk about lame, weird villains that Spidey has fought, I automatically think of The Russian. They only fought once that I know of, in an issue of Punisher. The dude…uh, dudette…whatever knocked Spidey out, and then the Punisher used his unconscious body as a shield (figuring that Spidey`s body could take it).
When Spidey regained consciousness, and asked what happened, Punisher simply replied “We had a team-up… You were great.”
http://www.comicvine.com/russian/4005-41663/
How about the white rabbit? I mean seriously, did she scare anyone ever? and inspired by alice in wonderland? Seriously, I think a member of the crawlspace podcast could take her, that has to be lame. (No offense intended to you crawlspace guys, you just shouldn’t be able to defeat supervillians. And I know Stan Lee created them, but my honorable mention goes to the Ringmaster and the Circus of Crime. They appeared more than once in the early days, and I bet no one could even name all the members without going back to the comics or Wikipedia.
ANd here’s one more that just hit me, but didn’t break my bones. Styx and Stone.
How about the Answer form PPSM 90 ish
These are awful guys!
Of course in a contest for lamest villain, that would be a compliment. Keep up the good, er… bad work, guys!
xellos85 – I did not need to see that! Thank goodness for that well placed shadow!
The run down on entries so far:
Freak
Captain Power
Hypno Hustler
Type Face
Naked Shiny Gold Man
Screwball
The Spider-Man buffalo is pretty rotten. I suspect, though, that we haven’t hit rock bottom yet. You have unlimited entries, so keep ’em coming.
It wasn’t my idea. It’s all Mark. I agree great idea.
Screwball. – Amazing Spider-Man #559
Come on guys. She could totally outpace Spider-Man. She knows PARKOUR. And has absolutely no other superpowers whatsoever. So, uh. Yeah.
Oh, but she’s “funnier” than Spider-Man. We don’t actually get to SEE that. But it’s far better we’re TOLD she is all these amazing things rather than we read it for ourselves, right?
BD – first off, excellent idea. Second: Argh, you took my choice of “Freak” – what a terrible villain! Ok so as much as I loved JMS’ run, his villains were pretty “meh” for me. So how about good ole Charlie Weiderman from ASM #515 – the one kid bullied EVEN MORE than Peter Parker gets doused in gold stuff and turns evil. Good ole naked shiny Gold Man. http://marvel.com/universe/Weiderman,_Charlie
@5 – Bad-mouthing the villain of “Spider-Man Night Fever”? How dare you!
Gotta disagree on hypno hustler – not that he wasn’t a lame villain, he was! I disagree that he appeared after the disco craze was over. He appeared in 1978 which was right in the heart of disco fever. Now if he had appeared in 1980, that would’ve been long after the disco craze had faded. No, dazzler was the one who was guilty of that!
Typeface (http://i.annihil.us/u/prod/marvel//universe3zx/images/6/62/Typeface.jpg). He had no powers except for military training, his costume was basically him covered in letters, and he had objects shaped as letters that he would use as weapons. Really. Paul Jenkins, what were you thinking?
First appearance: Peter Parker, Spider-Man Vol #2 Issue #23
I can’t think of anyone lamer than the Hypno Hustler, a villain based on a fad that had already faded by the time he appeared. He did have a pretty cool pink guitar, though.
Love the idea btw!!!
ASM 552- Freak. He’s awful, gotta love a meth head Spidey villain.
ASM vol 2- captain power
So Teflon Man is untouchable – as long as you don’t use metal utensils, right?
Okay, and I claim a Permanent No-Prize for the idea in the first place! I have cleared the perfect place for it on my No-Shelf.