Amazing Spider-Man #670 Review

It’s of course not a surprise that something with its origins in the clone saga, one of the most massive and convoluted Spidey stories of all time, would be like this. The plot and the art are equally messy; as little as I like Humberto Ramos’s style, I have to say it fits this story perfectly. Every time I read a book he’s on, I think, what the hell? Did they hire Penny Arcade to do this one? I certainly do not demand realism from my comic book art, but Ramos’s art is so excessively stylized that it’s hard for me to take things seriously even when I’m supposed to.

As the issue begins, the infection of New York has gone to its logical extreme. Now, instead of just developing spider-powers, everyone is turning into giant spiders, and The Queen is able to psychically control them. It’s even happened to Carlie, and if only the change could be permanent there’d be something to like about this “event.” Hey, I can dream.

After that, the story spastically switches focus, sometimes it seems as often as every couple pages. For example, we get a completely pointless scene where the X-Men talk about how they have to defend the spider-sense jamming tower so the spiders can’t escape the island; I’m pretty sure this must be referencing something in a tie-in that I didn’t read. But at any rate, why is it here? It doesn’t even take up an entire page, and it has no bearing on anything else that happens in the entire issue.

And that scene comes on the heels of an annoying recap of The Queen’s history with Captain America that doesn’t contribute anything to the story either. Many readers probably don’t know The Queen’s backstory, but that doesn’t mean that it needs to be squeezed into this issue, taking up two more pages with something that has no actual relevance to the story. And it’s told in horribly blatant expository form. The Jackal essentially goes, “Boy, isn’t it crazy that you, Adriana Soria—that’s her name, readers! Adriana Soria!—are now doing this crazy stuff?” And she goes, “I’m not Adriana Soria, readers—I’m The Queen! Allow me to narrate some stuff!” This just isn’t a good way to convey that information. How about a footnote referencing some issues readers can dig up if they really want this character’s history? Isn’t that the normal way Marvel handles backstory that readers may not be familiar with?

Meanwhile (yes, there’s another meanwhile in this mess), there’s the Mary Jane side of things. I’m guessing that she’s going to have a role to play by the end of the story, but I’m not sure what it is. I do find it entertaining that she seems to be the last one in New York to develop spider powers, and how frustrating she finds it to be stuck on the ground while everyone else can swing around the rooftops. It seems like after all she’s been through, it’s rather unfair; here she is waiting again for Peter to save her, and nobody else even needs a rescue. I hope that this element is going to be developed into something meaningful. Otherwise, though sort of amusing, these MJ scenes will be just like nearly half this book: pointless diversions that don’t advance the story in any way. I know this is an “event,” and they are always written in a horribly decompressed manner, but that doesn’t make it any better reading.

There was one thing I did like, though, which was actually central to the plot: the scene where people start coming to Anti-Venom for healing in a church. That’s a pretty funny image, and you can tell that Brock is eating it up. It’s exactly what he’s wanted since he became Anti-Venom.

So word reaches Reed at Horizon that Brock’s got a cure, and Venom is dispatched to bring him in. I’m pretty sure what happens here is that the symbiote goes crazy because it recognizes Brock, but apparently Venom still just brings Anti-Venom back to Horizon anyway—or at any rate he has done so when the scene switches again. The story is so ADD that I’m not sure if this feels disconnected to me because that’s the way it is, or because I didn’t read a tie-in, but either way it was jarring. And unfortunately, the implication, once Brock arrives and agrees to help, is that if Reed uses him to develop the cure he will not be Anti-Venom anymore. I really hope this isn’t actually going to happen, because I have finally started getting to like Anti-Venom and appreciating his role. Getting rid of him now will be a waste, and it’s not like there is anything else worthwhile to use Brock for.

All this insanity isn’t too surprising, as it’s the way that Spider-Island has been written from the start. But if you feel like something was missing in the story so far, you’re not alone. What’s missing is the apparent focus of this issue: the spectacular Spider-Mayor! You know, the one we see swinging around on the cover. Well, Jonah’s barely even involved until halfway through the book, and then he finally uses his new spider-powers… for one page.

And that’s the true disappointment of this book, for me. The Spider-Mayor could have been great, but all we get is one convoluted page. Jonah’s on his way to see Alistair Smythe about ending the crisis, and his car is attacked by spider monsters. When Spidey comes to the rescue, Jonah finds the notion of being saved by him again too much to take; that’s good Jonah characterization. He leaps out, and here I really thought the book was going to get good. I figured there was an adventure in store, but no.

Does the Spider-Mayor swing around New York, experiencing what it’s like to be the one he’s hated so much all these years? Does he come up against any surprising and difficult situations, like say this time Jonah is the one forced to save someone with his spider powers, and has to confront the power/responsibility issue? Nope, none of that. One page where he shoots some webs and punches a spider mutant. Then, apparently, they get back in the car. To say that this is a waste of story potential would be generous. It’s an outright travesty, and borderline lying to readers since the cover screams all those exciting plot possibilities that don’t happen.

But Jonah’s not done being a spider. No, the exciting conclusion to part 4 of Spider-Island is that the mayor is about to ask Smythe, his wife’s killer, what to do about the problem. Unfortunately, he starts to enter the next stage and become a spider-monster at just that time, and does something that is supposed to create a huge cliffhanger, but instead just made me feel kind of sad. What could have been a hilarious, insightful story about Jonah getting stuck with spider-powers for a while will now turn into a genuinely traumatic experience for him, and something nobody will really want to remember.

Why, oh why did it have to be this way? This is probably my least-favorite issue of Spider Island so far, because not only does it have way too much happening with way too many characters, but it’s a complete waste of potential that ends on a downright unpleasant note. I can’t wait until this “event” is over.

Pros:

• Great scene with Anti-Venom that had me chuckling.
• I liked the parts with MJ, and they’re the one thing that’s got me at all hopeful for the future of this event.

Cons:

• Messy pacing with too many scenes and characters, some of which were irrelevant to the story.
• Forced exposition to give readers background that they really don’t need, splitting the story up even more.
• Ramos’s art is just too cartoony for me to enjoy in a comic book setting; even the parts that are meant to be serious, I can’t take seriously.
• Total waste of the Spider-Mayor’s potential—he barely does anything with his powers. The cover is completely misleading.

Grade: D