Being a dissertation [or poor attempt at humor] in multiple parts by one semi-crazed Spider-Man fan.
About the author: Lee Swain, or “Parabolee” as he goes by on the internets, is the newest addition to the Crawlspace blogging crew. A life long Spider-Man fan that has wasted a good part of his life creating webcomics and blogging about really nerdy trivia. His turn-ons include: Spandex, continuity and red heads. Turn-offs include: Rubber, retcons and Carlie Cooper.
The new Spider-Man movie is creeping closer to release. And while still a year away from hitting our screens, we have now seen the first trailer and gotten a good look at the new costume. Unfortunately the more I see, the more convinced I am that this movie is going to be bad. So I have taken it upon myself to write a lengthy analysis and explanation as to why this will be.
First of all, allow me to clarify that I am well aware that there are people that are not that invested in the comic book Spider-Man, and that I know those people are not going to care if the movie makers take a crap on who he’s supposed to be in the new movie.
And so from where they stand the new movie might be all sorts of awesome. Allow me also to further clarify my opinion, and say this: I don’t care how they feel about MY movie.
Yes that’s right I said MY movie, because you see I’m a life long Spider-Man fan, a hardcore have-read-every-issue-of-Amazing-Spider-Man fan (not a boast, just a fact) and I feel I to some extent, I own him (and other Spidey fans too I guess).
EDIT – That is to say that I feel I own Spidey, not other Spidey fans. That would be weird.
Let us begin…
Part 1: Reboot? AKA: Didn’t they already make this movie?
Probably the main area where a large portion of the old school, newer school and people whose opinion of this movie is irrelevant casual Spider-Man fans are going to be in agreement about this movie is the subject of it being a reboot.
There was no reason to reboot this franchise.
From my experience, nobody feels the need to or even wants to see how Peter got his powers again!
Sure it’s an easy way to get an audience to connect to the characters, it’s an easy way to film the first hour without spending much on effects and an easy way create drama. And I’m sure they could do it in a way that is faithful to the comics and really entertaining…
Oh wait! SAM RAIMI ALREADY DID THAT! AND IT WAS AWESOME!
Remember us?
So why are they are they making this movie again? Oh yeah, money. Lots and lots of money. However Spider-Man 4 would have made lot’s of money too.
Rebooting Batman was a no brainer, the series under Joel Schumacher had degraded into campy insanity beyond the point of no return. But while Spidey 3 failed to reach the soaring heights of 2, nothing about it corrupted the foundations of the series like Batman & Robin did.
Everyone was on board the Spider-Man bandwagon already, everyone would have gone to see Spider-Man 4 even with a new cast if that’s what it took.
When they announced Batman was being rebooted everyone said “oh thank sweet baby jesus” (in unison I think). Literally everyone I have talked to (and since most people know what I fan I am, they all ask me about this movie) has responded in the same way; a confused grimace and the word “WHY?”.
But worst of all, it appears they are not only retelling the origins, but they are pretty much making up the whole thing from scratch (more on this in the trailer section). Whereas the Raimi movie was mostly faithful to the origin in the comic book, with only a few pretty minor adjustments.
Holy rubber nipples and codpieces Batman, I think we’re going to need a reboot!
Part 2: No respect for the source material. AKA: The soul of Peter Parker. AKA: I hate Marc Webb
As previously established (you were paying attention right?) I have been reading stories about Peter Parker/Spider-Man my whole life. So I feel I have a pretty solid grasp on who he is, and that is important to me.
The Sam Raimi movies were more faithful than I dared imagine. Were they perfect? No. But damn me if the first two were not really close.
I’m really trying not to be a nit picky jerk about this new movie, but I am one so that’s how it comes off.
And I am honestly fine with some things being off, I can live with them changing a few things for the sake of an original vision. I could even live with that awful new costume if that was the movies biggest issue (more on that later).
However I’m afraid to say that “The Amazing Spider-Man” is not going to just have a few things that are off, but that it is being approached with the kind of respect for the source material that I would expect from an holocaust denier retelling the Anne Frank story!
Let’s have her living underground and befriending some singing elves?
I would imagine that for most long time Spidey fans (for me anyway), the core of who Peter is, is sacred. You don’t mess with it! In fact, correction; not just the core, THE DETAILS. As they say “Peter Parker is in the details”, or was it some other guy they say that about? I forget.
For me there is not much room for interpretation because it was all right there on the pages of the comic. Stan Lee’s original 100 issue run should be set in stone and never screwed with (and Gerry Conway’s run is pretty sacred to me too).
I think the core of what makes Spider-Man so great is in those comics, you work outwards from there. You don’t mess with the “core” (or soul if you will), or you severely damage what was so great to start with.
So alarm bells go off when I read the director saying things like this –
I feel we have certain obligations to the iconography of Spider-Man, which is based mostly in the comics. The other thing is Spider-Man has a lot of different incarnations in the comics. While there are certain mainstays — a kid who gets bitten by a spider, he’s an outsider, the death of his Uncle Ben helps endow [him] with the mentality of a hero — those things remain the same but there’s also room for interpretation. He’s been around since the 1960s. The wealth of material here — whether it’s story or character — is really profound but I also feel it’s my responsibility to reinvent it in some ways.
Now as I said there is some “room for interpretation”, the kind of room Sam Raimi took advantage of. But from the quote above, it sounds to me that this guy is essentially saying he can make whatever the hell he wants up, between the bullet points he listed.
Also, this part here really annoys me, and displays his ignorance –
Spider-Man has a lot of different incarnations in the comics
Oh really?! He does, does he? Let’s examine them to see if this statement is true. And maybe gleam where he is getting the justification to just rewrite Peter Parker as whoever the hell he feels like:-
- Ultimate Spider-Man: The comic in which they recently KILLED Peter Parker!
- Chapter One Spider-Man: A very controversial and almost universally loathed attempt to retell Spidey’s beginnings with pretensions to making it more hip and modern. Sound familiar?
- Manga Spider-Man: The story of Spider-Man in a Japanese setting, ran 31 issue’s, was left incomplete and canceled!
- Marvel Adventures Spider-Man: Virtually indistinguishable from normal Spider-Man but aimed at a younger audience.
- Peter Parker: Daddy – from Spider-Girl: An alternative universe where Peter and MJ (unchanged from the Amazing universe up until this point) have a daughter who grows up to become Spider-Girl, while Peter has retired.
- Spider-Ham: A cartoon pig.
Other than these “incarnations” we have a bunch of silly limited-series Spidey’s (like Marvel zombies, Noir Spider-Man and Indian Spider-Man) and “What if” Spidey’s that are intended as silly alt universe tales. So what the man really means is this: he read some “Ultimate Spider-Man” and thought that because that comic did it, then it was OK for him to revise who these characters are, even down to Spidey’s costume (which even Ultimate did not touch).
You think these are the kind of “incarnations” he was inspired by?
Now I know the director is not the only one to blame for what this movie is going to be. After all it was not him but Alvin Sargent and Steve Kloves that wrote the screenplay. But for now I am going to concentrate on Marc Webb as the central driving force, and his quotes in the above sourced interview.
Allow me to translate some of these quotes for you, cut through the BS.
I feel we have certain obligations to the iconography of Spider-Man, which is based mostly in the comics.
My translation: “The only obligation I have, is to make some things look like they did in the comics. Other than that, who gives a crap about details?”
While there are certain mainstays [Lists bullet points…] He’s been around since the 1960s. The wealth of material here — whether it’s story or character — is really profound but I also feel it’s my responsibility to reinvent it in some ways.
My translation: “Those comics were decades ago, most of the paying public don’t give a rat’s ass about them. Sure while some of the stories were really profound, I don’t care about being faithful to them and besides I’m arrogant enough to think I can reinvent them completely for the modern age and be much more profound.”
OK let’s dissect a few more quotes from Marc Webb and see what else he’s screwing up with this character.
Peter Parker is a science whiz. If you look back to the early Stan Lee and Steve Ditko comics, he’s a nerd with big glasses.
Wait, YES! That’s right! He said something I agree with! YAY! Maybe he’s going to get something right…
The idea of what a nerd is has changed in 40 or 50 years. Nerds are running the world. Andrew Garfield made a movie [called “The Social Network”] about it. Nerds are no longer pariahs and knowing how to write computer code is longer a [mocked] quality. What was important in those early comics was this notion that Peter Parker is an outsider and how we define that in a contemporary context. That, I think, was one of the challenges for us — getting Peter Parker’s outsider status to be current.
Oh goodness NO! If Sam Raimi and Stan Lee were dead, they would have turned in their graves.
“What the hell did that guy just say?”
Actually Stan would probably just smile and give him some profound while amusing advice. This was literally the angriest picture of Stan Lee I could find.
“Excelsior!”
I could not believe it when I read that quote, I was so mad I think I simply yelled a string of incoherent curse words at my iPad screen for a few minutes until I calmed down. Probably the last time I read a Marc Webb interview on the rush hour path train.
Let me make this clear Marc Webb! Just because some nerds are very successful, does NOT change the fact that in high school being a socially awkward science nerd STILL makes you an outsider!
This guy is completely divorced from reality! Does he think a popular high school girl like say a 2011 Liz Allan (he’s probably never heard of her) would swoon when the computer nerd comes over and says “hey baby, you got to hear about this HTML 5 I coded last night”?
“What do you mean you girls don’t want a menage-a-toi?
Didn’t you see “The Social Network”? Us nerds run the world now!”
Back to the incredible insights of Marc Webb –
Peter Parker is a real kid. He’s not a billionaire. He’s not an alien. He’s a kid who gets picked on and gets shoved to the outside. The 90-pound weakling, that’s who Spider-Man is when he gets bit. So much of the DNA of the character is the fact that he was a kid when he got bit. He is imperfect, he is immature and has a bit of a punk rock instinct. In his soul he’s still a 90-pound weakling even after [the transformative bite].
WHAT!?! Read that again “a bit of a punk rock instinct.”! Where the hell is he getting this from? Now don’t get me wrong, I have a bit (actually a LOT) of punk rock instinct, I instinctively want to rebel against “the man”. Unfortunately right now “the man” to me is Marc Webb.
Adolescent Peter Parker is the LEAST punk rock kid in the world! He’s the ultimate SQUARE! A “wallflower”, a “bookworm”. I can’t imagine the Stan Lee Peter Parker rebelling against anything other than maybe the teacher not giving him enough homework!
And he dares to talk about Peter Parker’s soul, all while explaining how he is destroying it in his version!
I don’t care how you feel about the almost perfect Raimi movies (is my opinion showing?), but can you honestly tell me that you thought Peter Parker’s character felt out of time?
Raimi’s Peter was a nerdy outcast that felt both natural for 2002 and faithful to the comic character.
He was this kid, too, and we want to keep that consistent even to some extent when the costume is on. I love a lot of the “Ultimate Spider-Man” artwork and story lines…
Some acknowledgment to his “Ultimate Spider-Man” leanings. Let me say this, if it was so good then why did Marvel just kill Peter Parker in it!?
…there’s a lot more of an adolescent, playful quality. And I think that’s a big part of Spider-Man universe and hasn’t really been explored cinematically before.
He could not be more wrong, Peter as an “adolescent” is not a “big part” of the Spider-Man universe. Peter was out of high school and in college by issue #31 (1965), which is also Gwen Stacy’s first appearance. And by that point he really was a young adult by any readers standards. That means since Spidey’s first issue was in 1963, we had less than 3 years in Spidey’s 50 years history of Peter as an adolescent.
Peter as seen in Amazing Spider-Man Issue #33
So we have almost 47 years of him NOT as an adolescent. That’s 630+ issue’s of “Amazing”, plus another 400+ “Spectacular” and “Peter Parker” Spider-Man comics and almost countless one shots and limited series comics. So even if we say he was an adolescent up to his first day of college, we have only 33 (30 Amazing, 2 annuals and Amazing Fantasy #15) issues of that era and thousands after.
I think it’s safe to say, Peter as an adolescent is NOT a “big part of Spider-Man’s universe”. It is in fact a VERY small part of the Spider-Man universe.
“Could I BE more wrong?” (or more smug)
So as my final piece of evidence to my fellow Spider-Man fans that they don’t care about “your” Spider-Man, allow me to use these words from Marc Webb, I think they are the final nail in the coffin for hope…
For me, it’s enough of a reinvention that it is a different Peter Parker.
There you have it folks, from the horse’s mouth. “IT IS A DIFFERENT PETER PARKER”! A “reinvention”!
They are reinventing Spider-Man!
Part 2 can now be read here
Coming next –
Part 3: The costume SUCKS! AKA: Basketball head strikes back.
Part 4: The awful news from Comicon. AKA: Emo Peter Parker
Part 5: Dissecting the trailer. AKA: My god is that web coming out of his neck!
Coming soon thereafter (subject to change)…
Part 6: The actors secretly tell us the movie will suck. AKA: I love Emma Stone!
Part 7: The name is insulting. AKA: I REALLY hate you Marc Webb!
Part 8: So who’s to blame for this mess? AKA: Don’t worry your lives are not in danger.
Part 9: The lasting damage to the franchise. AKA: The toys are really going to suck!
Part 10: Why the new Spider-Man movie is going to be awesome! AKA: Have I gone insane?
Stay tuned!
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wow dude get out and discover girls.
When is the next edition of this coming out?
@97 Parabolee
Well, I’m a B Plus student, and I talk to my teachers just as much as I talk to my peers. Some might call me an ass kisser, but I prefer to think of myself as respectful. It’s probably because how my parents raised me is similar to how Aunt May and Uncle Ben raised Peter. There’s nothing to suggest that they changed the dynamic between Peter, Uncle Ben and Aunt May, so it’s still possible for Peter to be the good student yet have the ‘punk rock instinct’.(Though, that is not how I’d word it)
@103 Parabolee… ah, yes. I remember hearing something about that and figured that’s what you were going for. Didn’t realize he was the nutjob that said that.
@100 Brian Bradley – LOL, yes, if you read the text before it and note the words he is supposed to be saying, I refer to an holocaust denier retelling Anne Frank’s story. I was referencing this – http://goo.gl/ZZGz3
@102 – He appears to be liked by faculty pre-spider bite in Ultimate. They come off as protective off him during his altercations with Flash and friends.
@101 Mikey – Thanks for the great comments. I avoided saying anything positive about this movie in this article because that would be against the premise, but not because I didn’t have anything positive to say. I will address some of the things you mentioned in my final article, “Why The Amazing Spider-Man movie will be awesome!”.
“I can’t speak for you but in my experience, us “punk” nerds were not straight A students loved by the faculty. Peter was, and appears to be something very different in this interpretation.”
Don’t think he was completely loved by the faculty in Ultimate was he?
#97 Parabolee sorry for the long post but…
I’m 17 year old African American Male and I’m a big fan of Spidey. Been reading since I could first read(big fan of Spidey comic strips, Stan Lee/Steve Dikto/JRS run, JMS run, Spider-man: Blue and and Ultimate Spidey) and watched a lot of Spidey( big fan of Rami’s Spidey, 90 TAS and Spectacular Spider-man. even got a laugh out of Spidey/Nicholas Hammond parody on Venture Bros) but as I read and watch info about the Spider-man reboot and read comments and introspectives I think about a few things(I might post more later).
A.)Rami’s run finished on a more or less good note with almost everything tied up(Venom, Doc Ock and GG dead, Harry is finally knows what happened t to his dad and Harry died, Peter and MJ ended up together, Peter made peace with his uncle’s killer, Harry and Peter friends again, Spider-man loved by public). Plus they were interviews around 2004 where Rami, Macguie and Kristen only thought about making 3 movies and had little to no plans for a 4th one. If that wasn’t proof look about the stuff posted online about Spider-man 4(Felicia Hardy is Vulturess).
B.)Reboots that were good-Incredible Hulk, Star Trek, Batman Begins, X-men First Class, and Casino Royale. Superhero Movies and cartoons that people thought were going to suck-1989 Batman, Captain America:First Avenger(they thought Chris Evans couldn’t be Captain America but unfortunatley they were wrong) X-men first class, Spectacular Spider-man cartoon, Spider-man 1(remember fights about organic webbing and Power Ranger Green Goblin)
C. They said they were using inspired by alot of Spider-man stories including Ultimate Spider-Man Vol. 1: Power & Responsibility , Essential Spider-Man Vol. 1 which compiles the first 21 books that Spider-Man was featured in and lastly Spider-Man: Brand New Day Vol. 1 plus look at all the parts of the comics(616, ultimate or otherwise) they are using-Peter trying to find out more about his parents, Peter making mechanical web shooters and coming up with new and creative ways to use it, Gwen is science major, Peter cracking jokes and being the wise-ass, etc
and
D. look at teenage Peter Parker in Spectuaclar Spider-man cartoon, Ultimate Spider-man(which had plenty of good and bad story lines and I don’t think just because Peter died is a good argument for Ultimate Spidey being a good source of inspiration), etc. Peter is modern, more confident and is still a loner and outsider. So I have faith Amazing Spider-man will keep the soul of Peter Parker. plus I think Peter being a high school student is just as important as college and being married or otherwise(maybe because I’m a teen myself). Look at these Spidey stories: Untold tales, Spider-man:With Great Power, Manga Spider-man Ultimate Spider-man, Marvel Age, Marvel Adventures, Spider-man loves Mary Jane, Mary Jane novels) alot of books 1990-post 2000 have minis(in conunity or otherwise) mostly centered around teenage Spidey.
So I agree Spidey needs to grow older and go to college but it won’t hurt or kill anyone if he starts off as a high school student first in one movie. In my opinion the movie will be great(better in 3-D) but I can wait and see more info or untill the movie comes out till I make a final review.