AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #659
“Fantastic Voyage, Part 1 of 2”
Story: Dan Slott
Dialogue: Fred Van Lente
Penciler: Stefano Caselli
Inker: Stefano Caselli
Colorist: Marte Gracia
“Bug Time”
Writer: Dan Slott
Penciler: Barry Kitson
Inker: Barry Kitson
Colorist: Edgar Delgado
“Can’t Get the Service, Part Two”
Writer: Rob Williams
Penciler: Lee Garbett
Inker: Alejandro Sicat
Colorist: Fabio D’Auria
Cover Art: Stefano Caselli and Lorenzo de Felici
Be warned – there are SPOILERS ahead!
Dan Slott’s solo run on The Amazing Spider-Man continues … with another issue not actually written only by Slott.
The Plot
The Future Foundation travel to the center of the dimensional anomalies of the previous installment. Carlie Cooper does something impulsive to spite Peter. Hijinx ensue.
The Good
As per usual, the art of Stefano Caselli is a real treat. He has a genuine ability to draw faces and body language that convey the emotion of the characters succinctly. Combine that with his ability to draw kinetic action and simple, easy-to-follow panel layouts, and he’s rapidly becoming one of my favorite artists in comics. My only complaint – and it’s a minor one – is that he draws Sue with white eyes whenever she uses her powers. (Is this a thing now? Since when?)
The Bad
Unfortunately, the writing is nowhere NEAR the level of the artwork.
For starters, since when did this book turn from The Amazing Spider-Man to The Future Foundation and Their Annoying Brats, Featuring Spider-Man? He’s now a supporting character in his own goddamn title, and he’s only there to provide “humor” (I use the term lightly). Seriously, you can take Spidey out of the issue completely and hardly miss a beat. I would point out that this book has become a knockoff of Marvel Team-Up if Michael Bailey hadn’t already beat me to it. (Damn you, you handsome bastard.)
The story itself is gibberish. They travel to an island at the epicenter of some dimensional anomalies, engage in about 15 pages of pirate-related nonsense – about a month before Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides opens, which makes the conspiracy theorist in me wonder … Ben even makes a specific reference to Jack Sparrow, for shit’s sake – and then it’s revealed that the Sinister Six are behind it all. The cliffhanger involves the Six trying to look menacing while Mysterio is wearing a 1930s diving suit and Doctor Diaperpus is probably peeing himself. (What a brilliant master plan! Why hasn’t a supervillain ever thought to lure the heroes into a cave and beat them up? Brilliant, I say!) Needless to say, it’s as disposable as the toilet paper that I will inevitably use this issue as a substitute for. Van Lente’s script is clichéd and poorly written. Spider-Man actually uses “ZOMG!” as dialogue at one point, every pirate joke imaginable is brought up and then driven into the ground, and everybody is wavering about in characterization so far from the established norm that they’re practically interchangeable. This is probably the most annoying non-Deadpool comic book that I have ever read in my life, and I’ve read Get Kraven. The general incompetence of the writing of this issue was so shocking to my system that I actually had to read a few pages of Maximum Clonage: Omega to cleanse the palette.
The less said about the backups, the better. The first one is a two-page teaser to tell us that the Jackal is back and experimenting on the populace with superbugs, most of which we already knew or directly inferred from Marvel’s own teaser images. The second one is the continuation of the crappy Ghost Rider team-up (again with the goddamn Marvel Team Up nonsense … this one even has “Marvel Team-Up” AT THE TOP OF THE SPLASH PAGE) from last issue. Don’t waste your time.
The Ugly
To quote Harry Osborn from Spider-Man 3: you knew this was coming, Pete.
This is so preposterously stupid that I can’t even formulate the words to describe it properly. Thankfully, K-Box already did it for me, so I’ll just go ahead and tell you what he said.
WHY is this scene so very bad?
The following facts are widespread public knowledge among the civilian populace of the 616 Marvel Universe:
- Norman Osborn is the Green Goblin.
- Norman Osborn tried to take over America.
- The Green Goblin is Spider-Man’s arch-enemy.
- The Green Goblin killed Gwen Stacy.
- Green Goblin tattoos have become synonymous with support for not only Norman Osborn, but also a white nationalist agenda (as explicitly stated by Dan Slott, the same writer who wrote this scene, in a previous issue of the same title in which this scene appears).
The following facts have been established in canon about Carlie Cooper, without any ambiguity:
- Carlie Cooper was Gwen Stacy’s best friend when they were growing up.
- Carlie Cooper was one of Harry Osborn’s best friends when “Brand New Day” started.
- Carlie Cooper considers Spider-Man to be one of her few remaining friends.
From these on-panel facts, the following conclusions can be safely inferred:
- Carlie Cooper knows that Gwen Stacy was Peter Parker’s girlfriend.
- Carlie Cooper knows that Norman Osborn was an abusive father toward Harry Osborn.
So, what this necessarily means is that, out of a desire to “get back at” her boyfriend, Carlie Cooper decided to get a tattoo symbolizing the man whom she knows:
- Killed her boyfriend’s former girlfriend.
- Killed her own childhood best friend.
- Was an abusive father to another one of her best friends.
- Has repeatedly tried to kill the superhero whom she considers one of her few remaining friends.
- Tried to take over America.
- Has become a symbol, in turn, of a white nationalist agenda.
Not that any of this matters, of course, because inevitably we’ll find out that she wasn’t drunk at all, and that somehow this revelation is an improvement.
The Bottom Line
This issue is like taking a double-barreled shotgun blast of stupid right to the face. 0 out of 5 webheads.
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Marvel are just basicly saying “See, Peter chose the wrong girl AGAIN, now go and say what a card he is and lament that he’ll never get it right”
Only he did…her name was Mary Jane, and she is missed
That was supposed to be to 46 not 47
@47 I dunno Im sure if someone dropped acid before sitting down to read the reviews theyd probably find themselves not only agreeing with all of them but finding the reviews more entertaining then the stories themselves.
Wow, what a scathing review. It does look that bad. What’s with the profanity though? Gd– this? lol
I think it should be atleast Teen. All ages talk about getting drunk and showing a bra? Wow. And that is the dumbest idea ever. I think ever since the Brand New Day fiasco, it’s been horrible.
There is not a SINGLE person in this whole f****** WORLD who can honestly say they agree with every single review they have ever read. It just doesn’t happen. But there seem to be an AWFUL LOT of people who only see the ones they want to see, and ignore all the rest.
didn’t even think about Pirates of the Caribbean opening next month before I read this review, gotta admit that it wasn’t as obvious to me as the Stealth-Tron costume gimmick. As much as I hate Carlie, at least she’s doing something interesting.
I might pick up the FF trade when it comes out. I really have no desire to buy any other comic besides ASM. I love the character and love reading his adventures twice a month. Sometimes I pick up Spidey mini-series but it’s mostly just ASM in my reserve bag.
@JGC: If I make a suggestion, at least try to give a read through of a FF issue (would recommend Avengers, but he’s simply a glorified cameo there). There is a clear difference in how someone like Hickman writes Spider-Man and how Slott and Van Lente writes him. There is a class to Hickman’s Spider-Man, even when he’s dropping lame jokes. A Hickman Spider-Man would never show up in a suit that dishonors Johnny’s memory or fall down on a car because he lost his Spider-Sense.
SD is funny…usually takes me 3 seconds to laugh though…
Don’t listen to Zach. He’s not funny. Nor delightful.
I give Zach a 0/5 webs.
His art was good though.
I didn’t call you an ass.
You’re behavior? When you’re acting like a troll?
That is why I said: ‘It makes you LOOK like an ass.’
Zero is the lowest grade you can give, unless it’s OMD or Omega bad.
That, my friends warrants a -1.
And for the freaking record: I am funny. Ask anyone that is around me for five seconds.
What funny stuff have I done when I was drunk? Maybe it is a good thing I can’t remember…but I do know, I don’t have a tatoo…some scars maybe.
As to this scene…can’t really disagree with K-Box’s assessment. Maybe there is a Freudian thing going here? Didn’t I read in a review that Vin Gonzalez has a Green Goblin tatoo? Maybe some foreshadowing that she really has a thing for Vin instead. If so, good riddance…a centered girl would never consider something so selfish..drunk or not. But, let’s see if she really goes through with it. My vote, she’s faking it…
@35 – I’m confused by how you describe the rating system. I thought zero was the lowest grade Gerard can give a comic? But you’re saying that aspects of a comic can warrant a -1 so does that mean an overall grade can be lower than zero if it’s badly written and drawn? Could we see a -5/5 then if a comic is really terrible?
Guys, aren’t we forgetting that Carlie is drunk? What funny stuff have you done when you were drunk? 😛
Thanks for calling me an ass Spideydude, but I think you’re trying too hard to be funny.
I’ve said this before: But scoring and reviews are subjective. That’s the point of this: It’s his opinion. If the Story is offensive? Where it would be a -1 or a zero in terms of story if the art was subpar? Then you could say “Hey! ZERO.” But if it’s so damn bad that its a zero on story but a five on art… Then you could say this brings the entire issue down to a zero. If the story is good but the art is bad, doesn’t it bring it down?
It depends on whats important to you: Story, or art? In this case, the story should be as good as the art. It isn’t. Therefore it brings it down to a zero, in Gerards Opinion.
I’d suggest you stop calling his opinion “Irrelevant.”
It makes you look like an ass.
How lame. I didn’t mind about the FF team up that much. But boy do I hate cooper more and more. Hey, a girl that get a tattoo of pete number 1 ennemy. Perfect for him. I am extremly jalous, impulsive and immature when it comes to lying but i would never do something that stupid just to `get back`at my gf. Be mature and just break up. No wonder she can only work with the dead. Guess the living won’t stand her.
@29 – more “rape” comments? Seriously?! Well it is Van Lente and he wrote the whole Michelle/Chameleon rape scene so there you go…. (insert sarcasm).
@25 – What I liked about the issue:
The FF/Spidey dynamic. I do not read FF or any of the Avengers titles so I enjoy seeing Spider-Man interacting with other classic Marvel heroes in his own book. I did not find Spidey annoying at all and thought the banter back and forth with the Thing was actually funny. I’m a hardcore Beastie Boys fan so I loved the pirate treasure/booty reference. Kudos to Slott for that one.
At this point, comparing this title to Marvel Team-Up is redundant. Bailey brought this up last issue and while some agree/disagree, there’s not much that can be done at this point since it’s a 3-issue storyline involving the FF so they’re here to stay for time being. Besides, as I pointed out above, I like seeing guest stars in ASM.
I did not find the story gibberish at all: the FF battle their way to the center of the dimensional rifts only to find Doc Ock is behind it and he unleashes his Sinister Six. We may finally get to see some plot points play out that Slott started way back in issue 648 (remember when Doc Ock “studied” the Avengers and FF in battle just in case he came across them in the future; there’s also the Octobot that tagged along on the space shuttle to get to Horizon’s space station). I felt the story had a good pace and I enjoyed how it got from point A to point B. The tease of a Sinister Six/FF battle at the end was great!
As for Carlie Cooper and the Goblin tattoo – I will reserve judgement until she actually has the tattoo on her. We all do stupid things when we’re drunk (driving being the worst) so condemning her for getting some ink sewn into her skin is a bit premature. Let’s wait until this plays out until we can officially call it “ugly”.
I’ve said this before, for a comic to rate a 0/5 – it would have to be totally and utterly terrible and insulting in both story and art. How can a comic do well in area and terrible in another and still get a zero grade?! Gerard mentioned in his review that he found Caselli’s art a “real treat” and that he’s becoming one of his favourite artists in comics. So, with all that said – this issue still gets a zero? IMO, this doesn’t add up and renders his opinion/review irrelevent.
oh and yay for jackal returning
uh……what? they won’t actual let her get that tattoo will they?
The phrase “mark me for life” sounds kinda rapey.
@Donovan: The thing is, like stillanerd pointed out, at this point the tattoo itself is irrelevant. The REASONING is what makes it so reprehensible.
I’m anxious to see whether the writing will paint this as a huge mistake for Carlie, or as a means of comeuppance for Pter, because it’s gotten to the point where the reader is meant to see Peter as a no-good loser these days.
But really, if Peter sees this, there’s no reason for him not to dump Carlie out of principal alone.
@JGC and Whistler: I reviewed issue 657 the day after it came out and gave it a 5 out of 5. (I’m going to guess that since I loudly praised it, you blocked it from your memories.) I didn’t review 658, and I was about a week behind reviewing the recent Annual, because of some serious business within my family. The reason that this one went up today is because something got cancelled and opened up my entire day fairly early in the day, giving me the time to get the issue, read it, and review it by the afternoon. I was actually going to review issue 657 first, but I decided that (a) it was far too late by now, and (b) Bailey has already done a review for it, so it’s not even particularly necessary to begin with.
In short, I skipped 658 so that I could get this review out the day of, foolishly assuming that people would appreciate the effort. Silly me.
@22 & 23
Why don’t you guys tell us why you liked it then? Or why you may have enjoyed parts that Gerard didn’t? Gerard can get quite heated, but at least he gives solid reasons as to why he disliked the issue. You guys are simply whining about the score without offering any reasons as to why it should be any different.
“Just wondering if Gerard did a review for #’s 657 or 658? It seems to me that he enjoys giving zero’s to ASM – and can’t wait to post his biased commentary for said “0″ issue the day it comes out. Insert whatever eyeroll you feel is necessary…”
Clicking on Gerard’s name under the review title takes you to his reviews. #657 got 5 of 5 from him. #658 he didn’t review. #656 got 1.5 out of 5. #654, #653 got low marks. He gave #652 4.5 out of 5. #651 and #650 got 2 out of 5 each. So out of the last ten (and you check out the pre-#650 stuff on your own) he’s had one ASM issue with a zero review.
When my pal Bailey gives a negative review do you freak out? Cause he’s given ASM negative reviews before.
Either way, hey – thanks for deeming the review worthy of discussion. Heh.
“You’re not alone JGC, most of us have given up arguing by this point. Nice to see there’s still some people willing to speak up on here.”
Yeah! Stick it to the man! Despite the fact that Gerard has actually given positive reviews to ASM before. I mean ignore that cause it’s inconvenient. Anyway… YEAH, you tell ‘im! *laugh*
@21 – Agreed! I was just lookin’ for clarification. 🙂
You’re not alone JGC, most of us have given up arguing by this point. Nice to see there’s still some people willing to speak up on here.
Just wondering if Gerard did a review for #’s 657 or 658? It seems to me that he enjoys giving zero’s to ASM – and can’t wait to post his biased commentary for said “0” issue the day it comes out. Insert whatever eyeroll you feel is necessary…
@#20, George Berryman–Well, Brother Bear, to be fair, it’s pretty much as those scans show: Carlie is lifting up her shirt to get “marked” with the Green Goblin tattoo but we don’t actually see it getting done. So there is the SLIGHT possibility this could be a fake out. Problem with that is, if this is a fake-out by Slott and Van Lente, then what’s the point of even having this scene if nothing is going to come out of it? And even if she somehow managed to change her mind and not go through with it, just the fact she considered it and was ready to go through with it (instead of say, waiting until Peter got home and asked him directly about where he really was and why did he lie like any normal, rational person would do) it STILL shows her to be unbelievably selfish, petty, and immature. So if Carlie gets the tattoo or doesn’t get the tattoo, either way, it just plain bad.
nerd, K-Box, Gerard… Do they actually show her getting the tattoo or does the issue just end with “perfect” Carlie stripping down in the tattoo parlor to get “marked” with Norman’s street colors?
And remember folks–this is the same Carlie Cooper who Mary Jane once told Peter would make such a “perfect” girlfriend for him because she was “really present” and knew “there was more to life than just her.” (as seen in ASM #647). Cause, yeah…Carlie is certainly not looking the least bit selfish, self-centered, petty, vindictive, or irresponsible this in this issue, no sirree! :p
Yeah, “Parker’s finally figured out how to pick ’em,” hasn’t he?
Carlie understands that Norman has been a victim of the drive-by media and he is largely misunderstood. Gerard and K-Box have also fallen for the anti-Norman propaganda. Shame on you guys.
That said…I have been far, far more drunk in my day that Carlie is….and not even that fueled with the everpresent rage against my spouse would ever make me consider getting a tatoo even to spite her. I stick for just growing my hair long. So, yeah, perfect girl for Pete…
@ 7: I’m checking in too.
I’ve never been this pissed about a comic, save maybe for Ultimatum. I fortunately wasn’t reading around OMD, but it never bothered me overtly much so long as good stories would come… Still waiting.
@K-Box: Thanks for reminding me that I foolishly forgot to post the link! I’ll edit the review.
Linked this review on my blog:
http://box-in-the-box.livejournal.com/504485.html
Thanks for the quote! 🙂
“This is probably the most annoying non-Deadpool comic book that I have ever read in my life, and I’ve read Get Kraven.”
Heh heh heh.
@JGC – This review’s “worthy of discussion.” Just because it doesn’t fit JGC’s worldview doesn’t mean it isn’t “worthy” of discussion. So unclench.
Wait wait – the forced editorially mandated girlfriend is blond again after being redheaded last issue?
@Two-Bit Specialist: And that’s the sad thing. I LOVED issue 657 (I gave it a freaking 5 out of 5, after all), and it left me hopeful at the prospect of some great Spidey/FF interaction down the road. Unfortunately, this issue does the exact opposite. 🙁
@JGC: I could tell you where to stick that opinion, but I’d probably be banned. 🙄
Can’t wait to read Michael Bailey’s review, maybe then I’ll get a viewpoint worthy of discussion.
@#7
*Sigh…* Just wait….
Well, at least the art is pretty good. Even that godawful Carlie scene. And yet THIS girl is PERFECT for him…
@Daniel – I almost said something like that. You KNOW he will.
I’d love to hear Stephen Wackers explanation as to how this issue is actually really good and the best spidey has ever been
This whole Big Time era has quickly derailed from how good it was just a few issues ago, hasn’t it? That’s a shame.
In memory of many victims of the Spectre in 1970’s comics, I say: Ngyaaaah!
When I first saw that issue scene with Carlie I thought she was having a drunken one night stand to get back at Peter. So the tattoo thing isnt so bad in comparison. I just gotta say for you to have your review up this early, you must have woe up really early. I havent even got out of bed yet and you already have a review written today. I may not agree with your review, but bravo on the commitment!
After reading this review I have to wonder if JR’s worst spidey stories of all time list is due for an update. Quick someone remember to ask JR this next podcast if I don’t remember.
Thanks for bringing up the awful dialogue in the review. I know the Carlie scene was one of the worst we’ve seen from Slott but when Deadpool, a character who is currently being written with all the grace of a 15 year old on the internet (hell, he even references Leeroy Jenkins in the most recent issue), comes off as more mature then something is clearly wrong with the writing. Especially in comparison to FF, where he’s being written so well. Can Hickman just write both books already, he clearly understands that Spidey isn’t a 12 year old.
Bottom line, this issue was terrible and the art/Warren back-up story couldn’t possibly save this pile of crap. Spend your money on FF #2 if you want a decent Spidey story this week and he has… what, 7 lines in that issue?
good review, that carlie scene is ridiculous and the entire issue was a pile of crap
BUT
the two page jackal intro makes me very very happy