AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #638
“One Moment in Time, Chapter One: Something Old”
“Writer”: Joe Quesada
Penciler: Paolo Rivera and Joe Quesada
Inker: Paolo Rivera and Danny Miki
Colorist: Paolo Rivera and Richard Isanove
Featuring pages from The Amazing Spider-Man Annual #21 by …
Plotter: Jim Shooter
Scripter: David Michelinie
Penciler: Paul Ryan
Inker: Vince Colletta
Colorist: Bob Sharen
“Spidey Sundays”
Writer: Stan Lee
Penciler: Marcos Martin
Inker: Marcos Martin
Colorist: Muntsa Vicente
Cover Art: Paolo Rivera
Variant Cover 1: Joe Quesada, Danny Miki, and Richard Isanove
Variant Cover 2: Joe Quesada and Danny Miki
Be warned – there are SPOILERS ahead!
At last, we are here.
For the last two and a half years, Marvel has been stringing Spider-Man fans along with the promise of answers. Like the jerks behind Lost, they continued to introduce new mysteries without solving the old ones, leaving many fans disenfranchised by their empty promises. Finally, with “One Moment in Time,” they promised to explain that lingering question of what happened on the fateful wedding day of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson. This was set up to be one of the most important Spider-Man stories ever told – one that would, at last, give a satisfying answer to our questions.
They failed.
The Plot
In a brief flashback to One More Day, we learn what Mary Jane told Mephisto. Cut to present day, with Mary Jane dropping in unexpectedly to pay Peter a visit. After some awkward conversation, we cut back to the lead-up to their wedding (told in a mix of reprints and new pages). A bunch of goons helps Electro escape from police custody, but Spider-Man swoops in and captures them. The Devil Bird from One More Day appears and helps one of the goons, Eddie Muerte, escape. Eddie gets help and information from a sharply-dressed man working for a mysterious employer. Meanwhile, Peter and Mary Jane are having their doubts about getting married. Early on the morning of the wedding, Peter goes out as Spider-Man and comes across Eddie chasing a police officer (the one whose information he received earlier) on a rooftop. Spidey saves the officer and his wife, but Eddie catches him off-guard and makes an escape. Thanks to some crumbling bricks, Eddie falls off of the roof and Spider-Man tries to save him. Instead, they plummet down into an alleyway, with Eddie landing on top of Spidey and knocking him out. This causes Peter to miss his wedding later that day.
The Good
Paolo Rivera is a good artist.
The Bad
Strap yourselves in, this is about to get ugly.
The first thing I should discuss, to get it out of the way, is the structure of the book itself. Joe Quesada draws the modern-day scenes between Peter and Mary Jane, and the flashbacks are a mix of reprint material from The Amazing Spider-Man Annual #21 and new scenes written by Quesada and drawn by Paolo Rivera. The art changes are simply jarring, with no uniformity whatsoever. The reprints are presented as they originally appeared, without any recoloring or even lettering changes, save for a few lead-in and lead-out panels drawn by Rivera. The result is not only a poor mishmash of conflicting styles, but also a desecration of superior source material. The reprint material is literally butchered and stripped of context to be used for Quesada’s goals. It’s lazy, stupid, and a poor way to balloon the pagecount.
The pages drawn by Quesada are brutally awful. Peter and Mary Jane must have been retconned into alien shape-shifters, because their faces literally change from panel to panel. Peter goes from being Joe Quesada (seriously), to having a pointed chin and an inverted-triangle-shaped head, to having a wide chin and a box-shaped head, to being one of the guys that played Doctor Who recently, all in the span of three pages. Seriously, if you don’t know how to draw faces properly, why would you write a script that calls for repeated close-ups? The pages drawn by Paolo Rivera are very nice, but he’s totally squandered on this turd. Getting him to draw this story is like gathering up an elite group of the finest soldiers this country has ever had, putting them under the command of General Douglas MacArthur, and then sending them to beat up hippies. What a waste.
Now, to the story. Essentially, Quesada took a well-written and entertaining comic book (The Amazing Spider-Man Annual #21), chopped it into pieces, removed most of the significant character moments, and inserted padded, slowly-developing segments with a greasy thug.
But wait … I’m missing something here …
Oh, right. The first two pages.
You see, the first two pages depict what Mary Jane said to Mephisto at the end of One More Day. Kind of. First of all, Quesada is credited with “drawing” these pages, which consist of a single black page and another black page with a reprinted panel from The Amazing Spider-Man #545. (I really want to know what Joe got paid to “draw” these.) Secondly, the first page consists only of captions of old dialogue. Right off the bat, a wasted page. Finally, we get to what Mary Jane said: “I know Peter. He will never make this deal with you, never, EVER – unless – I ask him to. But if I do, this is the end of it – you will leave him alone for the rest of his days.” So much for the idea that they made the decision together, right? The entire purpose of this brief introduction seems to be to try to make Mary Jane look like a manipulative bitch and/or an asshole. Nice.
Anyway, back to the “plot.” Honestly, it’s tough to call it that, because it’s mostly piggybacking on the plot of the annual. Of the 42 pages of the book, 14 are reprints, and 8 are taken up by Quesada’s frame story. That leaves 20 pages for the meat, and most of it is wasted with padding and exposition needed to tie it into the annual. As I was saying, though … This greasy thug, Eddie Muerte (he has been turned into a Hispanic man even though he appears to be a blonde white guy in the reprints), is freed by that damn Devil Bird from One More Day. Once freed, he gets some information about a police officer and attacks him at his apartment, leading to a chase on the roof of the building. Eddie threatens the cop and talks about his wife (after all, this book isn’t rapey enough, right?), but Spider-Man swoops in to save the day. And then …
The Ugly
… a series of circumstances lead to them tumbling off of the roof and into an alley, with Eddie landing directly on top of Spidey. This causes Peter to miss his wedding day.
You read that correctly. PETER MISSES HIS WEDDING DAY BECAUSE HE’S PINNED UNDERNEATH A FAT GUY. The same character that lifted a falling subterranean base to save the life of his Aunt, the same guy that stood toe-to-toe with Firelord and the Juggernaut and held his own, and WON, a man with superhuman strength and speed and a will that can change the world – he missed his wedding because he was KO’d and pinned underneath a fat guy.
Now, when I took this gig, I promised myself that I would try to meet a certain level of decorum in my reviews. While these are opinion pieces by definition, and my personal writing style is what got me the job in the first place, there are certain guidelines that I attempt to follow when writing these reviews. For one thing, I generally avoid profanity and swearing (outside of my frequent use of “goddamn”) for the sake of keeping these reviews friendly and conversational. That’s a tough balance for me, because I am an inherently emotional person that speaks my mind. I know that these reviews in particular, due to the hype and controversy surrounding “One Moment in Time,” will likely be the most-viewed reviews I have written to date. As such, I made a pact to be especially careful with wording these reviews. After reading the issue, I came to one conclusion …
Fuck that shit.
This comic is steaming cesspool of ass, a catastrophe so colossal in scope and magnitude that it aims to destroy what little is left of its fanbase. How could Marvel demean itself by producing such a steaming pile of shit? You would think that after two and a half years, Quesada and Co. would have managed to come up with a decent scenario for such a significant occurrence in Spider-Man history instead of the bubbling turd they blew out of their asses and splattered onto the pages of this issue. I can almost imagine Quesada looking at his computer screen with his squinty eyes and getting that smug smirk on his face, pleased with the latest of his insults to the very fanbase that supports his organization.
Make no mistake, this is a direct insult to fans of the marriage – no, fuck that, fans of The Amazing Spider-Man itself. And I mean FANS – not the groveling sycophants that continue to dig their heads into the sand and pretend that nothing is wrong, not the ones that try to curry the favor of their gods on message boards by sucking up to them and singing the praises of shit like this issue. Honest-to-goodness, lifelong, real Spider-Man fans shouldn’t have to stand for this. At this moment of time in Spider-Man history, everything is wrong!
I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell: “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!” Things have got to change. But first, you’ve gotta get mad! You’ve got to say, “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” Then we’ll figure out what to do about the retcons and the price increases and the shitty writing. But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it: “I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!”
The Bottom Line
This is an insult I’m not going to stand for. 0 out of 5 webheads.
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One More idiotic Tale
@ Farley (or anyone else who can answer): Quick question, does the “fat guy” get injured by the fall at all? Since, like, if the fall could knock Spidey out cold, and the guy fell too, wouldn’t he have died or something? Maybe the reason why Pete missed the marriage is because he had to take the guy to the hospital and when he told MJ that she did the whole “lol u r Spiderman” on him. I haven’t read the issue, that’s why I’m asking 😉
Interesting review. Can’t say I feel as strongly as you do. But I have to clear up for the record, fwiw, that the fat guy laying on him didn’t keep him from the wedding, being unconscious from the fall did. I’m not saying that’s much better. Just a clarification.
Oh my God..thanks. Gerard I am currently doing my best “We’re not worthy” bow stance a la Wayne’s World toward my computer…thanks so much for expressing what we diehards have been and continue to feel. Love your work….keep it up…..and continue fighting the good fight..
So a cop gets shot at by a thug who wants to rape his wife. Spidey shows up, the two go over the side of the building and fall to the alley. Where Spidey lays unconcious for 8 hours? So the cop never calls for back up? Or checks to see what happened in the alley? Huh?
I originally had hoped Joe Q. was just putting his name on someone else’s story(to “take the heat”). But this is definitely his writing. This is bad. Very bad.
Couldn’t disagree with the review more tbh. I’d give the ish 3 to 3.5 myself. I was a bit non-plussed by the reason why Pete missed his big day, but to be fair, he wasn’t so much as pinned under a fat guy, more like fell off a building a good five stories high and was knocked out. Slight difference I feel. I thought Joe Q’s art was a step up from OMD, loved his splash page of MJ. Disappointed at the “whisper” reveal, it still doesn’t explain how MJ can remember when no-one else can.
Pablo’s art was fantastic and thought it segued into the ASM annual art pretty well, it looked to me like the annual art had been re-coloured, but I guess not?
Having revealed the reason for missing the wedding already, as well as the whisper, I’m not sure what the other 3 parts will contain, looking forward to finding out tho.
Anyone notice in the letters page SW says part 2 is next week? I thought it had been delayed til August?
Great review. And sadly I expected nothing better from the Spider Trust.
I started collecting Spidey in the mid-70’s and although I stopped buying years ago, the existence of excellent fan sites like this one (and SKB) has made it possible to keep up with developments while I wait for things to turn around and for the quality to improve sufficiently that I’m willing to shell out for current issues.
I’m still waiting.
And from the sound of things there is a long, long, long wait still to come — which really sucks. I am more than happy to spend money on Spidey books — but not for stories of this ilk. This is not the Spider-man I knew, nor want to know.
I byrned this while I was buying Daredevil #508 and Thunderbolts #146 today (both which I highly recommend). It only made me wish I was actually reading the Amazing Spider-man Annual #21.
Ah yes, I knew this review would deliver. I also loved the “real fans” bit, it’s a classic.
That said, I personally didn’t care much for this issue. (but mainly because I could really care less about the marriage at this point, or care more – which ever implies, that I don’t care about the marriage much)
And since somebody brought up Supes, that whole “Walk across America” plot seems like total crap, but then again, I haven’t actually read it so.
and I still dig the whole Spidey Sundays bit.
Well then, same time, next week (after next week) then.
@Bryan – I think a lot of people got mad at JMS for writing Superman in utterly out-of-character ways. I mean, it’s like he completely forgot how to be a regular human being.
I don’t mean to derail the conversation, but I figured it’d be ok since Spider-man and Superman have a lot of things in common: controversial JMS runs, flagship heroes being written out of character, bad storylines…
A fat guy, really? Wow!!!!! I can’t wait to read it.
the only thing i hate is the way that a awesome issue of spider-man wont end with Peter jumping into bed with the hottest woman in the marvel universe…
way to go assholes.
I completly agree with you Gerard. I hate what Marvel has done to Spidey throughout all the mess that has been OMD. Truth be told a couple of things here and there were good, but this is really just is a slap in the face and no real spider-man fan should endure this type of mistreatment. I was really hoping for a story that made sense at least, something that would make the story meaningful, but this is just shameful.
Way to go Marvel. You just made 20 years of Spider-Man history one big issue of “What-If…”. Plus, how stupid did Quesada make MJ? “I know Peter. He will never make this deal with you, never, EVER – unless – I ask him to. But if I do, this is the end of it – you will leave him alone for the rest of his days.” RIIIGGGHT. The prince of lies will leave him alone because MJ said this? Any bets Mephisto backs out of the unmasking, thus the “blindspot” by someone else…
This is as bad as it gets. I am embarrassed to be a Spider-Man fan. Thank you, Marvel.
Great review, Gerard. I haven’t given Marvel any money in a long time and I still won’t until they wake up.
Bur regardless, I agree with the reviewer and everyone’s sentiment that we need to make it clear to Marvel we won’t accept this. Hopefully, no one will buy this book, it sells horribly, and maybe Marvel will think about what they’re doing. Money talks.
@The_Milkman: thank you for having basic reading skills, something Dan apparently lacks, and pointing out to to him that I was referring to liking Superman 701. Considering two posts before that I wrote a whole paragraph about how I’ve hated BD and Omit, I thought that was obvious.
Mephisto stole Doom’s mother’s soul.
Mephisto kidnapped Silver Surfers Girlfriend
Mephisto bargained for Johnny Blazes soul (btw jonny blaze is in eternal pain with Zarathos bound to him – fate worse than hell and he goes around giving the pennance stare to people cause he is the eternal bad mouther fucker) -F.Y.I
..but what im getting at here is.. its not uncommon for Mephisto to fuck around with characters like this..
but this is the LAMEST… time travel Gweneth Paltrow SLiding Doors style…. bwahahhahahah so lame folks.. so lame.
time travel retcon… bwahahah … LAME
would have preferred a mind wipe… time travel is so lame.
Hey, Doc, maybe he was hitting the apple juice hard that morning!
So what was the point of us not knowing for years what MJ whispered/ I always assumed it was to leave themselves an out or set up for a twist, but the dialogue as shown in the review gives us nothing! There is no reason for it to have been a mystery!
I didn’t know what was going on after i read this comic…so a cinder to the temple and a fat guy landing on him put Spidey out COLD for more than 8 hours?…that seems really weak to me…someone slipped him a mickey…otherwise, wow….
AND i didn’t know what was going on after i read this review, i thought about which window i’d go to…nice work on the review Gerard…
Can you give this issue a perfectly NEGATIVE -10/10
WOW, the MJ line was written when OMD was though its good
@ Dan: I’m pretty sure Brian’s comment like that was referring to Superman #701, what Two-Bit mentioned to him before.
I don’t think there’s anything I can say about this issue that everybody else already hasn’t. Well there is one… “I loved it!”. =(
@dan – He’s comparing It’s A Wonderful Life to Superman #701. Sorry to be “that guy”. If you like JMS’s work I also recommend it.
Anyway back to Spider-Man, this review sums up exactly how I feel and I do agree with the reviewer, we need to do something about this. Because I’m sure like everyone else here I’ve read some BAD issues of Spider-Man, but I’m in shock. I’m in shock that this is how Marvel likes to treat one of their biggest (if not THE biggest) characters. I really can’t believe what I just read, these authors like to treat Peter Parker like their own personal punching bag. And to a certain extent that’s ok, when done correctly the “Infamous Peter Parker Luck” can be a good read. But I really feel for the guy, especially now after reading this issue. We all know he is just a comic book character and I’m not sure if I’m the only one who feels this way or not but I feel REALLY sorry for the guy. My heart really goes out to him. These writers can be out of control sometimes with the crap they put Peter through. I mean enough is enough, I feel as though nothing good ever happens to him.
Regardless of what anyone thinks of this marriage that now never happened, at least during the marriage you know that Peter had something (or in this case someone) in his life that wasn’t bringing him down. One constant thing that made his crazy life a little less crazy. It brought stability and even a balance to the character. It also makes sense cause after all the crap Spider-Man goes through he finally gets the girl. This also (in my opinion) brought *gasp* growth to the character! But growth is bad at Marvel, everything needs to be reset every ten years or so. I feel like a petition is necessary and I know that there are people who like this and will write an ass kissing letter to the Spider-Mail about how Peter Parker is such an “everyman” and “he’s just like you and me”. *shudders*
This was the final straw, I tried to find bright spots in recent issues and I did. I feel like Quesada has a big smile on his face, thinking about how much of a genius he is. There will always be flaws and there will be things that happen I won’t like and I know that but this is insulting, to all of us. Sorry about the rant and I usually never comment on message boards but I really amazed that a comic like this was printed. It’s a damn shame.
Anyone notice how One Moment In Times intitials are OMIT? Maybe we really are suppost to just OMIT this from the continuity (if its as bad as you say it is) I as always will have to pick it up myself to see, but now doesnt Grim Hunt seem better to the haters?
@Gerard: No I haven’t. I did watch your clip from the message board and now it makes sense…
@Two-Bit Specialist: I’m having trouble getting mad, I’m simply confused. I have no idea where OMIT goes from here. Does Spidey get beat by a midget next?
“I actually quite enjoyed it. I didn’t find it hokey or melodramatic like some others did, but then again I’ma sap who likes It’s a Wonderful Life, and we live in a snarky, sarcastic world”
My favorite thing about this comic is going to be the terrible, nonsensical apologia for it.
‘It’s a Wonderful Life is a great movie THEREFORE I enjoyed this comic blaming a man’s wife for his decision to sell his marriage to Satan’ is currently the best I’ve seen, but I have hopes that we’ll climb to greater heights before the day is through.
@JGC You’re supposed to be MAD, not scared! It’s time to be MEN, not boys! 😉
@JGC: You’ve never seen Network? You should rent it, it’s an awesome movie. 😉
lol nice review…. i wasnt going to pick this up anyway – but now i think they have just dug up some old animosity… lolz… idiots.
I was scared at the end of Gerard’s review.
As has been pointed out elsewhere, if it was just a case of Peter being momentarily incapacitated by some guy falling on him, surely they’d have rescheduled the wedding? Especially considering they apparently remained together after the failed attempt at getting married. I’m going to assume the real reason they didn’t get married is still to come.
@CrazyChris: Funny thing about our mathematical system — it goes into negative numbers. 😉
Who says 0/5 is as low as it goes? We could be in negative numbers before the end of OMIT
If I were you, I would have saved my 0/5. There’s still three issues left, and there’s still plenty of room for it to get worse!
Eeeeh wasnt that bad. I like Peter and MJ together, even if its only to talk. But you’re right, the reason for missing the wedding is redicilous. Also, I havent read ASM Annual 21 for a long time – was MJ still the hip party girl by that time?
I actually quite enjoyed it. I didn’t find it hokey or melodramatic like some others did, but then again I’ma sap who likes It’s a Wonderful Life, and we live in a snarky, sarcastic world
@Bryan – That says a lot, considering Superman #701 wasn’t good either.
I have long stopped giving Marvel my money for Amazing Spider Man, and certainly won’t be buying One Omit In Time (trademarked by me). However, if someone I know buys it I will read it without paying for it, but I’m sure this review accurately describes this crapfest. Firstly, haven’t we learned that artists don’t necessarily make great writers (Todd McFarlane, anyone?), so I’m sure Quesada probably can’t write either. Since BND started, I have been re-reading old ASM instead to get my weekly spidey fix and will happily continue doing so. I hope no ones buys One Omit In Time (TM) and Marvel is left with tens of thousands of unsold copies on their hand. What a sad day it is when I’m looking more forward to Superman comics each month than Spider-Man, but alas the current editorial regime at Marvel has destroyed my (and I’m sure many of your) favorite character.
@Gerard – So, I gather you didn’t like this issue? 😉
In all seriousness, I think we all knew going in that there was simply no acceptable answer for the history according to OMD. Granted, they one-up’d us by having a generic thug knock him out and make him miss his wedding, but no excuse would’ve been satisfying enough to warrant this brand new era. It would’ve been far better to have them call off the wedding as a joint decision, but what do I know?
Well at least I have some nice art on some pages to look forward to. Seriously? A Fat man? Like the kind that eat cheesecake???
This issue was a crap salad with diarrhea sauce.
And awaaaayyyy we go! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I cannot believe it. I was going to pick up this issue tomorrow, but cannot believe how god-awful it sounds. What a shit biscuit.
You didnt even mention the fact THEY RETCONNED THE RETCON!
This isn’t Brand New Day anymore, this is something, much, MUCH WORSE! It’s kinda like in Digemon (poor example but fuck it) when they beat Devimon but suddenly it turned out there were faaaaaar worse enemies on the horizon
He Missed Their Wedding Cause A Dude FELL On HIM?? A Dude FUCKING Fell ON Him?:? SON OF A BITCH!! Nice Going Quesada!! Nice. Nice Review Gerald.
I have a big smile on my face after reading this review. I dare say you put more effort into this review than Marvel did for this issue (and maybe even the rest of the arc judging from how bad this first issues appears to be.)
And thus with this review, the second wave of Brand New Day Spider-Man has truly begun. Strap yourselves in, as not everyone will make it out of here intact.
FUCK YES! GREAT REVIEW G!