Ultimate Spider-Man Season One, Episode Six “Why I Hate the Gym” Review

I really want to apologize to everyone on the Crawlspace for the absence and irregularity of my reviews. There have been many situations in my life since my last review that have prohibited several of my hobbies and responsibilities, and I truly am sorry, Crawlspacers. I promise you guys on a stack of Essentials that my reviews will now be coming out at least twice a week. That being said, BATTLEGROUND: MIDTOWN HIGH! Taskmaster, hired by the shady Norman Osborn to hunt down Spider-Man, poses as a gym teacher to find out the Web-Head’s true identity! This leads to battles in the hallways, Taskmaster in short-shorts, Phil Coulson in tighty-whiteys, and even an Irving Forbush reference! Is it any good? Read on to find out!

ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN Season One, Episode Six

“Why I Hate the Gym”

Written By: Joe Kelly and Joe Fallon

THE PLOT: Spider-Man and his amazing friend White Tiger chase after Batroc the Leaper, not realizing that they are being watched by two pairs of sinister eyes. We find out that Norman Osborn has hired Taskmaster to track down Spider-Man, as his other employee Otto Octavius “doesn’t get out much”. Everyone seems to know that Spidey attends Midtown High, so Taskmaster decides that the best way to track him is to pose as a gym teacher and narrow down a list of candidates who could have spider-abilities. He does so, donning a sweatband and short-shorts, and he sets up an obstacle course in the gym. Peter purposely fails the course, while Harry Osborn, Flash Thompson, and Danny Rand (Iron Fist) all excel. This leads Taskmaster to invite these three back the following Saturday so he can, you know, kill them. He then proceeds to knock Principal Coulson unconscious, and uses Coulson’s holo-watch to find where S.H.I.E.L.D. has installed new high-tech security in the school. White Tiger also shows up the next day, finding an electric fence surrounding Midtown High. Once Spidey and Tiger enter, they find Flash, Harry, and Danny being chased by Taskmaster. Ol’ Tasky believes that Flash Thompson is Spider-Man, and is using S.H.I.E.L.D.’s security installments as deathtraps. He even has Agent Coulson dangling over a vat of acid (?) in his tighty-whiteys (?). All of the Spider-Friends attempt to fight Taskmaster, but they realize that he has the ability to copy their movements exactly, like a “combat chameleon”.

LONG STORY SHORT: Spider-Man and White Tiger trick Taskmaster by shutting out all of the lights in the gym, and switching gloves. Spider-Man uses Tiger’s shocky-electric claws, Tiger uses Spidey’s web-shooters. This catches Taskmaster off guard, allowing the Spider-Friends to apprehend him. For a minute. He then drops a smoke pellet and escapes like a true super-villain. After returning to Norman and Otto’s evil headquarters, Taskmaster symbolically steps on a spider.

MY THOUGHTS: “Why I Hate the Gym” was a predictably mixed bag. Honestly, even if my plot rundown is misleading, it wasn’t that bad. There were many tropes that just come with the cartoon territory, but it was overall pretty enjoyable. Nothing was insulting like in the Venom episode, it was just a little corny which is not always a terrible thing. I will say this, despite the short-short gym teacher antics, Taskmaster is an interesting antagonist. According to Wikipedia, his name is Tony Masters, created in 1980 by David Michelinie and George Pérez. I’m actually thinking about tracking down his Avengers and Deadpool appearances because he really does have a cool gimmick. He’s almost like Rogue of the X-Men, he can learn any opponents’ fighting style just by watching them and use it against them. He also has a pretty bad-ass look when he’s not in his gym teacher disguise. I liked this character, I liked his small motivation of hating S.H.I.E.L.D., but I could have done without the Midtown death traps. I don’t understand how he could have rewired a S.H.I.E.L.D. security system to include random trap doors in the middle of the hallway that poor janitor Stan could plummet down into. But I did love when Stan was caught in that robot hand trap or whatever it was, and said, “Boy, if only Irving Forbush could see me now!”. Not the most subtle of easter eggs, but I still loved it. If you don’t know who Irving Forbush is, then you need to Google it. And shame on you.

Now whether or not Spidey’s plan to beat Taskmaster would have really worked, I don’t know. Probably not. But you know what? That’s okay, because I like to see the Spider-Friends actually using their heads sometimes. It’s a rare sight to say the least, and Peter Parker is a GENIUS! He is a teenage genius that uses his head to get himself out of situations, and that is what Ethan likes to see. I thought this episode was also mildly funny, like when Peter couldn’t get up the rock wall in the obstacle course, that was a funny sequence. Agent Coulson also threw some laughs my way, such as his responding to Peter’s making fun of his tight underwear with a simple, “I swim.” That was good stuff. I liked Peter’s dream sequence of J. Jonah Jameson proclaiming the day as Spider-Man Day, and a parade being thrown in his honor. That could have easily been overdone but it was quick and painless.

But as with every episode, some things really got under my skin. SLOW MOTION. OH MY GOSH. The use of slow motion in this episode was out of control. Every time Peter Parker got hit by a dodge ball or fell down, every time Spidey or anyone else hit the ground, every time someone got punched in the face, the animation and audio slowed down for a video game effect. That may sound like a nitpick and it probably is, but trust me, it gets grating after a while. On the topic of video game effects, whenever a fight would start, a big “VERSUS” flashes between the opponents and I can’t decide if that annoys me or if it really, really annoys me. These effects really take me out of the show and remind me I’m watching a cartoon specifically engineered for children. Peter’s fourth-wall breaking  still bugs me, but clearly that’s not going to go away. Also, some of the jokes in this episode tried a little too hard. Especially when Spider-Man opened the door to Coulson’s office and screams like a monkey, because he sees Phil tied up in his underwear over a vat of acid. First of all, what? Why did Taskmaster strip Phil down to his underwear? It feels like we missed a really screwed up scene. And where in the Savage Land did this giant vat of acid in the middle of a high school come from? And if Taskmaster really hated Coulson and S.H.I.E.L.D. why did he just dangle Phil over acid instead of just killing him like an assassin should? These burning  questions will never be answered.

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE: Peter: “Spider-Man doesn’t squirt, MJ, he shoots.” Flash: “Speaking of squirts!!”

PROS: Taskmaster is mostly cool, Spider-Friends being somewhat intelligent, some funny scenes, Irving Forbush.

CONS: Impossible deathtraps, not funny scenes, SLOW MOTION, video game effects.

GRADE: 4 out of 5 Short-Shorts. I actually liked this episode for what it is, which is a children’s cartoon. If you’re looking for a definitive Spider-Man animated series, this is not it. But it’s a fun time and this episode has an interesting, if somewhat goofy villain. I enjoyed this one, but what did you think? Please drop me a comment below, I love to hear your opinions. You guys are the best and I would love to chat.